Death comes unannounced leaving the family in a state of shock. Unlike weddings where you get time to prepare for the occasion and draw up your invitee list, bereavement needs no invites and can bring strangers to your door, which means you not only have to handle your emotions, but also handle their words and actions calmly.
A few days ago, I had to accompany my mother to a condolence. I began to prepare mentally from the day before. I picked out the appropriate clothes to wear and even rehearsed my lines to express my condolences to the bereaved family.
Upon our arrival, what I witnessed looked surreal and made me question if I were in a movie set. The immediate family members were engaged in war of words blaming each other for the death, while people from the outside happily passing judgments on the family as the loved one is still laying dead in the living room. This incident compelled me write a blog to respect the dead.
Here are some pointers if you are attending a funeral/condolence.
1. Find out a convenient time to visit: Funeral and bereavement customs varies across religions and castes, so call up the family and find out when you can visit them and what would be appropriate to carry like flowers, etc. Also, ensure the person you know in the family is around when you visit them.
2. Dress appropriately: At the funeral last week, I saw a lady in her night gown making her way into the house with a big wail. More than her wail, it was her attire that made people in the gathering turn their heads. Find out what is appropriate to wear for certain cultures and religions. Go with Black or White and choose clothes that appropriately respect the somber mood.
3. Replace words with touch and hold: Tears express sorrow and makes heart and mind feel lighter. Not all of us are good with words and if you not the crying type, replace words with proper eye contact; hold the family member’s hand and comfort them with soft a hug.
4. Don’t speak ill of the deceased: He may owe you money or you could have a long standing enmity with him, but this is not to time to display those emotions especially when the family is bereaving. You may not have good things to say about the deceased, but don’t say bad things.
5. Stop being curious: I’ve seen a lot of curious people who want to find out more information about the death and some even hold conversation about their will and advice on the next steps for the family. Until and unless you are going to help them in some way, don’t ask for details or dispense free advice. If at all you need to know some details, ask the secondary family members after introducing yourself and your relationship with the dead or surviving family.
6. Keep your visit brief: Just as you don’t get invited for a funeral, you don’t have to say goodbye to the family at the end. So, keep you visit brief and when you feel you’ve paid respects to the bereaved and expressed your sorrow to the family exit the place. Unless and until you are well known to the family and you have a role to play there, don’t linger around or gossip with know people or strangers.
7. Learn to express your grief: Death must be equally shocking and sorrowful experience for you and you must find ways to vent your feelings. Some of us use alcohol, while some other use social media to get over our sorrow. If you are one those types, refrain from drinking or sharing your emotions or posting pictures of the diseased or bereaving and instead speak to counselors.
Here are some pointers if you are part of the bereaving family.
1. Assign roles to close family members and friends: Before you share the news with extended family and friends, make a list of things that need to be done immediately and assign roles and responsibilities to trustworthy individuals who can responsibly execute them on your behalf.
2. Refrain from posting on social media: Be it Arab Spring Rising or party crashing, social media has it time and uses, but definitely death is not best discussed or disseminated via social media. Your message may be liked by someone (as we don’t have a dislike or bereave option) and you may end up sending an open invitation to the world, while funeral venues may not be able to handle a large crowd.
3. Dress appropriately: As much as your friends and friendly must come in appropriate attire to pay respects to the diseased, it is important that you also dress up appropriately. In one of the funerals, I saw a family member dressed in a tight jean and t-shirt that had a smiley.
4. Don’t wash dirty linen in public: At the recent condolence that I attended, the son-in-law came in drunk and created a ruckus blaming his father-in-law for the death. Shortly, the brother-in-law made a speech accusing his sister and her husband for getting into their family matters. What should be a private affair became a public spat witnessed by many.
5. Don’t react adversely: As we don't select and send out invites for bereavement, it can bring strangers to our door, which means we not only have to handle our emotions, but also handle their words and actions calmly. You don't have play fiddle like Nero when Rome was burning down, but remain calm and don’t react. If someone in the audience annoys you get someone in the family to take them away or you step away from the scene.
