I was driving to work this morning and I was gripped by unfounded fear and anxiety. I didn't know what triggered it and where it germinated from, but it made me all sweaty and my heart palpitating. I was doubtful if I was having a heart attack or was it due to clay oven Chennai summers. My eyes turned sticky and mind paralyzed by fear. May be I should have ask the auto guy to proceed towards the hospital instead?
I felt like life was coming to an end and the only other question that rattled my mind was, how will my family survive after my death? Images of my family painted in penury flashed continuously before my eyes. The auto guy was about the jump the red light, but noticing the cop on the pavement and hit on the breaks bringing the racing auto to a screeching halt with a big jolt in the last second. The inertia threw me around, but I was in a state of oblivion and none of this helped me to come out of my whirl wind of thoughts. Isn't it normal for every bread winner to think this way when it comes to survival or am I imagining and over reacting? I felt the auto was going down a dead end.
I had no clue or experience to handle such situations. But there was this though of turning around and driving back home and disappear into the shell forever. Do I sound like a fearful ground hog running back into the burrow? Is it the cold winter or the long shadow that made it go back? Would that solve the problem? And why do I want to do the disappearing act?
Was it the past, present or future that was making me behave in this neurotic fashion? I knew it was not going to be an easy day at work and at the same time hiding would solve no problem. All the "What If" questions appeared from no where and scavenged my peace and clarity. I was worried if I could make it through the day.
Having no answers to allay my tenuous fears, I let the auto guy drive towards my office with the hope that the turbulence in my mind would soon end. Feeling flustered is not new to me, but feeling threatened was new. My mind was like fish out the pond. Fear never went away and as time went by it made me feel more jittery and anxious. The auto raced through the last set of traffic lights and the never ending drive to work was coming to an end but not the questions. Caught in a quagmire of thoughts I arrived at work.
I swiped the access card and entered the work area, and I knew I was carrying a stranger in my mind, but I conveniently let him stay in my mind and walked to my cubicle like a programmed robot. I plugged my laptop, made myself comfortable in the chair and was starring at the screen like deer caught in front the headlights. And here I am writing it down….
1. Does contentment in life mean being afraid of failure?
2. Does contentment in life mean afraid of taking new risks or walking into unknown territories?
3. Does contentment in life mean absence of motivation to excel?
4. Does contentment mean “been there and seen it all” and not being avaricious?
5. Is it good to be in the state of contentment?
6. And I finally asked myself am I contented with life? If yes, why?
If “Yes” was my answer to question 6 then I had to come up with smart replies to win over my mind. And if “No” was my answer, then again I had to find reasons what does it take to get to the state of contentment and if it is safe to remain in the state?
I felt my mind was being possessed by a strand of virulent virus that crumbles confidence, annihilates peace and leave one emotionally paralyzed. I didn’t know how long the phone rang and how many times he had tried my extension, and for sometime I didn’t know I was a part of this world. My boss stepped out of the room and invited me for a discussion on my past performance. My day ended but question were still hanging over my head like Damocles sword. I was not trying to solve all of life questions in one go.
Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple – Dr. Suess
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