My 2009....

Wow….looking back at 2009…it was an amazing year, lot of journeys both inward and outward, and interesting experiences to cherish for a lifetime. There were moments of cheer, moments of tear, moments of fear and finally some defining moments. I am proud to peel layers and share them with honesty and humility.

Like teachers who pointed fingers at me and posed me with difficult questions, many at times life posed me with such challenging situations. I was the same then and now…blink…blink..
Let us start with travel….

2009 was the year of travel…I started the year in Bali, Indonesia and ended the year in my home in Chennai. Now I know every train stop between Chennai and Bangalore. I did some spiritual meanderings – Sabarimala, Guruvayoor, Tiruvannamalai, Ujjain, Kancheepuram, Trivandrum, Thanjavur, Ashtavinayak, Mysore, and Mathura/Vrindavan. Wish I could redeem the miles on me for something…!

My job was on the path of axe and I was faced with a tough choice between health insurance, EMIs and food and before I was forced to make a choice I was lucky to have my next job. But that is not the case with many. So many thousands lost their jobs, homes, cars and finally had to choose between food and health insurance. I am thankful that I have both now.

Next coming to what I bought in 2009….wow I am a spendthrift and a shopaholic. I had to engage in retail therapy to handle the stress from my precarious job situation. I bought a lot of clothes this year and some of them are still sitting in my closet and inviting me to try them, 3 new pairs of shoes waiting to be worn. I got a lot of music albums and some of them are still unheard and 2 dozen books crying for my perusal and the night on my chest. Is it a sign of abundance or greed?

Not wrapped in shawls or stoles, Chennai is never that cold anyways, my gang went concert hall hopping in December. Music concerts with Ramji and Narashiman are a delight and the gossip we exchange on a piece of paper during the concerts will be preserved and made into a book. From fantasy to frivolous things we discuss everything. These are simple pleasures of life.

I must have watched close to 30 movies in the Cinema halls. Infact my earlier boss made a comment, “If Chandra is not found at Satyam, you can find him at Sathyam”. The former is where I worked and the latter is a cinema hall. Apart from regular cinemas I also attended a few film festivals in the city. I watched every episode of Sex and the City multiple times. Is it an accomplishment? Grin…Grin..Grin..

I joined Facebook for the first time and I quit and again rejoined. Finally I discovered it a waste of time. There is no use in discovering friends and lost colleagues when there is no common interest and purpose. A few deep friendships were better than a few thousands on Facebook. I also discovered that an email was much more personal than a face book scrap though a hand written letter was best. May be this was the mid 30s syndrome?

My father fell ill again and we decided to do everything medically and scientifically possible to treat his recurrent VT. Top notch cardiologist worked on his heart and repaired it. Science and Medicine gave him longevity, but none could predict if VT would recur. Such is life and death, none can predict, promise or guarantee. Destiny stands beyond the boundaries of science.

My nephew spent almost 4 months with us. The little kid (will soon turn 3)taught me what it is be a child at heart, what it is to cover yourself with a blanket of peace, and finally what it is to wake up with twinkle in your eyes and a smile on your lips. He carries nothing from the previous day and every day is a new beginning.

I am really not sure why some people continue to send me birthday cards and New Year cards year after year without fail. Kevin sends me a Christmas card every year and there is never a birthday without Mark’s card. And every time I get an email from Dr. Sink, my heart smiles and my eyes open up. He is my "Morrie". 7 years have rolled by since I moved back from America and I have lost most of my hair and the remaining are almost grey, but for some age, appearance and distance doesn’t seem to matter for some.

As I sit back stare and analyze the year that has gone by…I realize my challenges, shortcomings, negatives, and finally a few positives. 2009 is also the year when I realized that I am growing old and there will be a time when l will have to live without my parents, friends and lifelines. Am I comfortable with the thought? I am not sure and I am still trying to find an answer.

I had my own challenges building, nurturing and growing relationships. Some sprouted with very less work, and some required lot of care and attention. While some with all care still saw death. May be it was all karmic? That is an easy way to take responsibility off my shoulder, but what about those relationships that I have killed without watering and nurturing? Or those that I have mercilessly judged and displayed my impatience to bring on “The end” slide. Beyond my idiocy and eccentricities I still have a few good friends and I am going to work hard to retain them and ask forgiveness to the ones that I have lost.

I didn’t save a penny in 2009 beyond my basic tax planning. You know how I spent it all. I was lavish only when it came to spending money, when it came to expending calories… I was a miser. I wanted to lose 5-7 kilos but I ended up losing zilch. May be I should try to get on a crash diet or find ways to burn more calories and consume less.

All said and done I was spotted in the gym and was invited to do a role in a documentary. Yes, I made my first camera appearance with one of the well known and accomplished Cinematographer/Director.

A cancelled holiday is like a failed relationship. Suddenly my life seemed so empty, dry, unhappy, and deserted. There I was available with unrealized dreams and unfulfilled desires, and with no back-up plans. Any takers? Everyone seems to have a plan for the holiday season and I am not able to fit into anyone’s’ plans. As always I am the puzzle that is never a part of any whole. Is it miserable to spend time in your bed, with yourself, wander, clean up your mess at home and explore the city where you grew up? Can anyone share the coordinates of happiness? Email address, mobile number or Face book link is fine too.

All through the year there are a few things helped me retain my sanity. When I was down it was music, when I was alone it was books, when I was low it was yoga, when I wanted to boost my self esteem it was gym and finally spirituality to bring my disjoint pieces together.

So what do you think of my year? Was it enjoyable? Was it sad? Was it insipid?

2010 is already here and as always I am late with my resolutions and I have already broken some of them.

I have had very less opportunity to teach myself a new skill or tool in 2009. I have already registered myself for Landmark Forum at Chennai in 2010. Hopefully I will attend the program and not chicken out.

I have set myself with a goal of living simple and saving more. My bank balance today is 150 Rs and thank god for helping me cancel my vacation in Turkey. Blessing in disguise!

I have understood that life comes with no guarantee and I would rather express my love, sorrow, gratitude today than wait for tomorrow. I am not trying to be impulsive and critical but rather receptive and open.

I will carefully grow relationships with patience and not judge people for what they are and they are not. I still have not called a friend with whom I had skirmish. New Year wish would be a good excuse to call. Habits die hard!

I hope to blog atleast once a week. I will write on my challenges, my progress, and my achievements (if any) with humility.

Come back and check out if I have made any progress on my resolutions or am I back to my excuses.

I wish you all a wonderful 2010 filled with prosperity, peace, good health and happiness.