Journey from Home to Home

Though I had cancelled a few last day appointments to be with my mother, I was at a family friend's house till 11 pm assuaging the anxiety of another mother who had sent her son to Paris for his master's degree. I couldn't snap myself out of the conversation we had on marriage and why/how I choose to be single. Let's keep that for another time.

My mother had to call me once and remind me that I had a morning flight to catch and that I must hit the sack soon :). We never show our affection at home and there are no hugs when you walk-in the door after 15 months and there are no good-byes when you leave. Even my 7 year old nephew didn't give me a proper good-bye. But my mom ensure that I get to taste all her delicacies and my favorite dishes during my stay. My father was so busy when we grew up that he would never know which grade we studied in and the history continues...today he had no clue when I was flying back to Paris and we had a short phone call as I was preparing to leave. 

Leaving the house after having mom's filter coffee, stopping by Warren road Ganesha for a short prayer and breaking a coconut, calling grand mother on the way to the airport and getting a friend to drop me at the airport are all what makes Chennai my home. 

I have often asked the question what makes India and Indians special? Well, I asked my fellow Indian passenger at Mumbai airport if I could borrow his phone to call my mother. Without hesitation or a second thought he offered me his phone. During my conversation with him, I found out that pre-paid option with Vodafone doesn't need 5000 Rs deposit and I could do chotta recharge (say 50 rs) and continue to receive SMS for free and make calls at a nominal charge. It was mandatory that make a short call every few months to India to keep the card active. So, let's learn this option and say goodbye to expensive Matrix (Matricks!) and rip-off Vodafone post-paid connections.

Sukanth Rallapatti on Friday said, "if it happens again we cannot call it luck anymore". Yes, I was again bumped to business class on the return journey to Paris and this time it was less dramatic and I was not asked to deplane. :)

Btw, two years ago when I travelled on Jet Airways to the US, I had a horrible experience both ways and I even wrote about it and got canned response from their Marketing team. Not sure if I should call this upgradation an atonement for bad service then? You get back your dues in life!  (http://whaterhole.blogspot.in/2012/08/on-flight-of-lies-from-newark-to-chennai.html)

For the first time ever, I didn't feel I was missing Chennai, though Chennai comes immediately after my mother in terms of my love quotient. After 15 trips and 15 months of stay, Paris feels like a second home. I was going to see a good friend on the evening of my return and I was going to visit the Indian quarters on Sunday and hand over packages that I brought for my friends from their loved ones. I also was looking forward going back to work and giving away little trinkets I got for my colleagues including copies of The Hindu and TOI newspapers (Chennai edition) for my dear friend David. For David, who is planning to move to India with his family, it is now a choice between Chennai Super Kings vs. Kolkata Knight Riders. And I'm trying to influence him to go to Chennai. Let's see! 

Btw, I'm met two Gujarati guys in Mumbai Airport and we became well acquainted on the flight journey and the train journey back to Gare du Nord. We have already made plans for  khakhra meet next Sunday. He says he has 30 member Gujju team and now this Chennaiites will join them to spread our Indianess in Paris. Jai Ho!

Figuring out friendships

When I returned to India in 2004 after a gap of 7 years, I felt like an alien in my home city and I was running low on Vitamin F. Yes, handful of my good friends from college were living in different continents and that was also pre-Facebook era. Don't we all know how much can Facebook substitute for physical presence? 

And finally I experienced the same feeling Surya experienced in the song New York Nagaram from Jillunu Oru Kadhal. It is not easy to put together a friends circle, especially in your late twenties; when your attitude and thoughts are not very amenable and your thinking is rigid and outlook westernized (looking for return on investment, living a single lifestyle, etc.).

Friendships can be easy and messy

But interestingly, in India, unlike the West and it is easy to forge friendships and people here go to any extent to keep their friendships alive. Is it still true to find such deep friendships in the nation where Karna and Krishna fought for their friends to win the battle at Kurukshetra? Is this true even in the age of social media? 

After being stood up by my relatives, I realized the importance of friendships and I consider them more important than having a partner. Over the years I've made efforts to strengthen my connections and friendships through hobbies and interests, which I felt is the only way to extend expiration life of friendships. But I never brought all of them together; unsure of how well they may get along with each other.  A friend of mine had invited all his close friends for his 40th birthday and two among the invitees ended up crossing swords and that wrote the end of their friendship.

Efforts to stay connected

An email that I received from a dear friend whom I had known for the last 10 years ago made me think more about friendships and how I consider it a precious asset. He has seen me through tough situations and helped me through tough decisions in life. In a world were some friends fade away like shooting stars, we have stayed in touch through Skype calls almost every weekend. On the day of the recent Indian election results, we Skyped until 6 am East Coast time discussing results and outcomes. During our weekly Skype calls we spoke about current affairs, discussed our professional life, what we cooked/plan to cook for the week and exchanged information of our parents well-being. We rarely discussed people!

Silence explained and communicated 

It was over a month since we Skyped and my friend had written to me excusing himself for being unresponsive and uncommunicative over the last few weeks due to various reasons. Since I was on a vacation I had all the time time to read all possible newspapers online and share interesting links with him. He usually writes back after reading them, but was silent this time around. His silence didn't bother me, until he explained the reasons. Several years ago  he sent me an email informing that he will be out of pocket for sometime so that I don't misconstrue his silence. There is nothing wrong in silence, when communicated and explained. 

Friendship: A mixed bag

In the last ten years, I parted ways with two possible life partners and a dozen friends. When I analyzed them, I found some friendships were not deep, some were fragile, some ends were driven by ego, some hijacked by marriage, and some driven by the need to possess and control. I was also at fault in many of these failed relationships; sometimes I ruthlessly judged them and disposed them. I've never asked myself what was expected of me in this relationship and often I felt that relationships were not reciprocated and not emotionally rewarding. In some instances I felt my friends showed me so much love and kindness than I deserved and often wondered how I was going to repay them, even if they never expected anything return. Sometimes I fear I might disappoint them and hence kept myself at a distance.

With expectations and expiry date

Truth is that all relationships happen for a reason, very much begins with the end in mind. Every time I ended one, I introspected, flagellated myself and looked for learnings ways to avoid next dramatic precipitation. Today, I have a few individuals who I refer to as my friends and I've tone down my expectations and I have I've even restricted frivolous usage of the word friend. Despite the tag given to relationships, they all come with both expectations and expiry date.

Recently, I had emailed an acquaintance asking if he would find time to meet up with me during my India trip. His response was rather surprising. He addressed me as an NRI (non-resident Indian) and narrated his experience from meeting NRIs and how cram too many meetings in a day and how their meetings lacked quality time. Not willing to disappoint him or disprove him, I politely responded that I will meet him when I become a resident Indian. 

Feeling of helplessness

Though friendship gives me a feeling of fullness, it also leaves me with a feeling of helplessness and indebtedness. Bala who took me around the West Coast, but didn't let me pay for the trip, David who pays for my lunch every time we meet at Sangeetha (Paris),  and Dr. Sink my professor from college who has only shown me kindness from first day we met. How can I forget Kishore who ensures I'm well fed when I visit him, Vinodh who fills my fridge with cooked meals before leaving my house in Paris and Sukanth who wakes up at 3.30 am to give me directions to his place and waits till 3.30 pm in the afternoon for us to have lunch together.

All of us want to have friendships, but not all of us have the maturity accept our failures, give more than we receive, or take responsibility to set things right. My friend's silence would have gone noticed in this noisy world, but his proactive communication helped me fine tune my senses and be more perceptive of our friendship. Appreciate your friends, forgive each other's follies, communicate silences and pauses and nurture them to keep it fresh and long lasting. And it if still withers, don't blame yourself.

 

North or West Chennai is Best

I was on a city-hop this week touching a revered spiritual town in the God's Own Country and then going back to the city where I got my heart fixed, before heading to our national capital to witness the Independence Day Parade at Red Fort. The last time I was in these three cities were over 3 years. A good time to compare and contrast, isn't it? 

The argumentative Indians

Be it journeys or conference calls, conversations about weather can often be a good ice-breaker. Given that Chennai was in the lower 30s and humid, it didn't help to break the ice, but rather melted it immediately. A student from Delhi was traveling with me on the train journey to Kerala. He is student at Vellore Institute of Technology and had wonderful things to say about the institute. Very soon the conversation quickly drifted to Chennai, meandered around hot wether, cold and unkind people and ended up berating them for not speaking in Hindi. A clichéd view of Chennaiites from those coming from North.

I halted his words and asked him a fundamental question: what makes India diverse? Isn't it our 26 languages, numerous traditions and cultures? Isn't food is a way to find a place in a man's heart and also explain our diversity?I shared some snacks and savories with him I pointed out how similar the Tamilian mixture is to Namkeen from tHe North and Chivda from the West. And when I handed over a mini-Badhushah from Grand Snacks, I told him how this was not made from khoa unlike the ones made in Delhi. Finally, he agreed that our differences and adaptation makes us culturally rich and similar. 

I wanted to ask him if he was not adequately warned by about Chennaiites and why he didn't take an effort to learn the local language rather than expect the locals to learn his language. With the Central Government recently caught on the wrong foot over Twitter communications in Hindi and UPSC exam row, I decided to stay quiet and instead started writing this blog.

God's own country

Now coming back to my first destination; A few things never change and among those are mother's love, joy of a baby's smile, and adherence to traditions and customs in Kerala, despite apartments and malls mushrooming on the one side. Btw, Kerala weddings are still under 10 mins and I can't comprehend what it would be like if they shrink it further.

I was at the counter outside Guruvayoor temple waiting to deposit my foot wear and the person from behind was in a rush to deposit his and in the process his slippers touched me accidentally. The man at the counter noticed that I was wearing a sacred thread and chided the guy behind to respect Brahmins. I was taken aback that people still had reverence for Brahmins, who were once considered a priestly class in the society and who lived their life guiding the society. Though Kerala is a biggest consumer of beef in India and cows are being killed in hundreds every day, one can still find vegetarian restaurants that proudly announced "Brahmin Food". While today, Brahmins in many parts of India and around the world have forgotten their traditions and were turning omnivores. 

Temple is the only place that is untouched by strikes in Kerala. They still opened at 3.45 am to P.Leela's rendition of Gnanapana. Men and women wore white mundu, generously used coconut oil on their hair, smeared their forehead with sandalwood paste. Despite studies putting Coconut oil in bad light (high cholesterol), people continue to use in their cuisine. Lastly, when you hear parents yelling Jomon, Joby, Nivin, Rejish, etc. or come across these on the chart pasted on side of the bogie, you feel assured that Kerala and Keralites are still routed in tradition. 

My heart beats with gratitude

The overnight train journey from Thrissur to Bangalore was very comfortable. Before I got on the train I managed to pick a packet of ripe banana chips for my friend. That night I travelled on carriages that had bio toilets and which didn't discharge on the tracks and leave a trail of filth behind us. I also went to bed early and managed to wake up at 3.15 am to get off at KR Puram station.

Auto guys in Bangalore aren't as bad as those in Chennai and I was able to convince him for 1.5 times with no extra money. At 3.30 it was a 30mins ride by auto to my friend's place at HSR Layout. During the journey, I remembered the big dig three years back and traffic snarls, and today I traveled on the completed flyovers on Outer ring road all the way until Silk Board and the ride was a breeze. 

A second bed and blanket was ready for my arrival at my friends place and when we woke it was almost 9am. I don't know if I should call it a privilege or a blessing, but he had taken the day off to spend time with me and making it memorable for both of us. His 1BHK apartment was very much identical to my den in Paris, but he stayed on the last floor and had access to a open terrace and also had a roof garden.

He asked me to stay in the kitchen and continue talking to him about my life and stay in Paris, while he chopped cabbage for curry, chopped apples for gojju (his grand mother's recipe) and a typically Andhra sambar. After a nice sumptuous lunch, we napped a bit (in my friend David's parlance "rice comma") before heading out to the theatre to watch Kailasam Keechaka (a character from Mahabaratha). Rangashankara is hot spot for those into theatre. The doors were shut at 7.30 pm sharp and we were strictly instructed to turn off mobiles phones keep them muted until the end. During the 90min show we only heard dialogs, songs, laughs and claps. Yes, Indian audience can be made disciplined. 

Before we headed out, we stopped by the canteen to enjoy a crispy Akki Roti served with spicy tomato chutney. The Garden City is still cool and attracts young and smart minds from across the country, but the green cover is being replaced with concrete cover at a rapid pace. 

A city of attitude and arrogance

My next stop is New Delhi to witness the 68th Independence Day Parade and hear the address of our Prime Minister who was also born after Independence like me. Our PM may call himself Pradhan Sevak (first servant), but most of Delhiites behave like Pradhan Mantri (Prime Minister). 

The ugly side of Delhi is the attitude and arrogance of its people. I must confess that people wear their attitude and temper on their sleeves and as a result their arrogance blinds their brilliance. I have witnessed a few instances and also came across a few of those reported in newspapers during my three day stay. 

Music is a family tradition 

Despite these shortcomings, it was a joy to take my sister and family out for lunch, shop together and teach my nephew third grade English grammar. I even got an opportunity to take him to music class and I remembered the days when I had to accompany my sister to the music class. 35 years later, music still remains a family tradition. While speaking about tradition, I must share the coconut breaking tradition before and after every journey in my family. Not sure if it should be classified as pre-birthday bash, but my mother has a habit of breaking coconut (bribing Ganesha) whenever any of us in the house set out on a journey. And sometimes he gets a coconut whenever she gets anxious. With the 3 city trip, Ganesha had half-a dozen in a week :-)

Delhi Metro shines

It is convenient of getting around the city on the metro train despite overpowering smell of Navaratna hair oil emanating from fellow passengers. I must tell you that the metro stations in Delhi are much cleaner than the ones in Paris. There was no vandalism in the name of graffiti or street art and nobody excuses themselves in the metro station, something quite common in Paris. Another difference between Paris and Delhi metros, people in Delhi are attentive and are not found with ears plugs, deafening music and indifference.

Making memories

Another joyous moment for me was visiting my friends and their families.Though one of them lives outside of India, I managed to visit his parents, sister and niece and also enjoy the home cooked meal at their home and exchange about our changing lives. Within 3 hours I had 3 cups of tea and lots of snacks and fruits to eat. It has been 10 years since we first met, and we've kept in touch through emails, phones calls and periodic visits and today I was capturing the elusive moments together and sharing it with them over Whatsapp. Isn't vacation all about making memories with friends and family?

Home sweet home

And when I did my web check-in on the Delhi-Chennai bound flight, I realized that I had only 7 more days left with my mother who just turned 60 in a city that turned 375. That evening before I boarded the flight from Delhi to Chennai I received a text message from my mother giving me the lunch menu for the following morning. Mother, motherland and friends are always special and every time I take a flight out of Chennai I feel like a woman leaving for her husband's place after marriage. Home sweet home!

Chennai Chronicles Part 1

Like a photographer who turned his lens on another interesting subject, Chennai was out of my focus for the last 14 months though I had always kept an ear on the city. For a Carnatic music aficionado, traveling with violin duo, Ganesh & Kumaresh was perfect musical entry into Chennai. 

15 mins before touchdown, the captain announced weather: 31 deg C and strong westerlies was cooling down city, not a surprise for this time of the year. Both newspapers The Hindu and Times Of India had done a good job of keeping me abreast with Chennai musings and nothing was a surprise; even the on-schedule metro project and as a result one-ways and billboard announcing new health clinics and housing projects. And when I put my lens back in focus I did notice a few surprises. Come in let's discover together...

A dear friend of mine had come to the airport to receive me and he had rented an AC taxi to take me home since his car AC had problems. Not that i had to travel by an AC car, but I was deeply touched by the warmth of his friendship and something that is so special to only India and that I was waiting to experience. 

Hardly 8 hours after touching down, I was on "Uzhavan (Farmer's) Express" to see my grandparents at Mayavaram and also visiting my native village. Indian Railways and my grandparents (at 80 plus) were still active and hadn't aged much in the last 14 months. On the way home I noticed the river bed and fields appeared dry. The rice-bowl of South Infia tilled and ready for sowing paddy (rice) and the farmers hopefully looking up at the sky for some rain and tracking the inflow to Mettur Dam (a reservoir that waters the fields of Tamil Nadu) and water level in the dam (farmers' stock market).

On returning back to Chennai four days later, my experiences were different. I will begin with auto drivers, someone who I hate haggling with and often felt like beheading them when they loot customers. The last time I had seen a functioning meter in the auto was 30 years ago, when I was 8. Without me asking/demanding the auto guy turned on the meter and I paid 35 rs from Royapettah to Alwarpet. 

Should I assume all auto guys had mended their ways and the TOI campaign "Bring back meters" was a big success? No way! A few days later an auto guy demanded 40rs to travel from Luz corner to Royapettah despite me demanding him to turn on the meter. Unrelenting to my request, he turned his back on me and expressed his displeasure. 

I felt it was my duty to support the Government in change management and demand them to turn on the meters. Eventually, I convinced another auto, but he wanted to hold on to a few coins left behind from the three ten rupees notes I handed over. Though this is not right or agreed upon earlier, I still left that as a reward for turning on the meter.

One evening I made a trip to the nearby vegetable market with my mother. I was expecting to see a kilo of tomatoes and onions (Government altering veggies) selling at 100 rupees, but  I was shocked to see every other vegetable priced at above 40rs/kilo. When I moved on to the fruits section, I was in for another high voltage shock: Apple priced at rs 210/kilo made keep the Apple away, a 50% increase in the last year. With no opportunity for haggling in such shops, we returned home with a small bag of produce for 500rs. While at the store I noticed the building being expanded; the store owner was prosperous and the wrath of Mylapore Mamis' didn't seem to affect him. 

A few days later, when I came to the billing counter at the Dental Clinic, the clerk handed over the bill, explained the charges for various treatments and told me that they had charged me nominally for their services. I was never going to haggle over health care and doctor charges and her words made me ask, are clinics the new vegetable markets?

One ahead of my trip to Chennai, I had emailed my relationship manager at Vodafone to activate my SIM card in their safe custody. Though he had not confirmed the activation, despite several reminders, but the card was active and saved me a 30 mins wait time at the store. 375 years ago the name Madras was given by the East India Company and today I realized that the city was providing customer service digitally. To test if this was true in other areas, I decided to give a miss to Indian Railway food which is often berated in the press for passengers discovering dead insects in their food. Instead I ordered food on idlyvada.com, to service that delivers quality food to your seat at the specified station. I was reasonably surprised by the quality and promptness.

This morning (Aug 10) when I opened The Hindu I was shocked to find out that the Pilot Theatre and Landmark Book store will soon be shutting down their operations. Both places were landmarks for Royapettah and Nungambakkam. Movie halls and book stores are not like the Airlines, that can fold their wings overnight, but it wasn't clear why their owners decided that way. 

This is 8th day of my vacation and many more subjects to put focus on. Keep following me.

Was it just a lip service?

I went for my annual health check-up this morning in a private laboratory (it has been around for 75 years and accredited by The American Institute of Pathologists) in Royapettah. This was the same lab that diagnosed my congenital heart issue a few years ago. But today, I was 

appalled by 4 things:

- Sanitation: when I went to collect my urine sample and I had to ask myself if I had stepped in a private lab or in a Government hospital in India. It is a well know fact that Indians don't know how to use use toilets and how to leave them clean for others to use. The toilet wasn't cleaned from the day before and I was afraid that I might catch an infection from using the toilet. 

- Safety: those technicians collecting blood samples didn't wear gloves and X-ray technician didn't wear the radiation protection coat. How can I feel safe if employees don't observe safety norms?

- Unhealthy: breakfast before post prandial was rice cakes(idli) and vada (fried lentil ground). Think of 60+ with high lipid profile who come for blood sugar test. Pfff! When I raised this point with the management they told me that some patients ask for vada along with their breakfast. I told them that expections ought to be set with patients and they must be told it is a healthy breakfast and not a party meal.

- Chaotic: lack of staff to supervise, instruct and guide people made the ambience chaotic

95% of those who came to the lab this morning were retired senior citizens and some frowned at the process, but none of them went beyond complaining. During my wait time, I managed to put together a flow chart of how the stations must be arranged and wrote a one page letter to the management. Upon seeing my letter I was called inside for a conversation. They accepted all my points and promised to address them.  I asked them to join the queue in the morning to test the system and process, before and after they implemented any changes. 

What I saw at the lab that morning wasn't any different from what I see in Government buildings. This is a result of Lack of user feedback and people using the system not being involved in designing and testing the process.  

Will it be another #lipservice?