When I returned to India in 2004 after a gap of 7 years, I felt like an alien in my home city and I was running low on Vitamin F. Yes, handful of my good friends from college were living in different continents and that was also pre-Facebook era. Don't we all know how much can Facebook substitute for physical presence?
And finally I experienced the same feeling Surya experienced in the song New York Nagaram from Jillunu Oru Kadhal. It is not easy to put together a friends circle, especially in your late twenties; when your attitude and thoughts are not very amenable and your thinking is rigid and outlook westernized (looking for return on investment, living a single lifestyle, etc.).
Friendships can be easy and messy
But interestingly, in India, unlike the West and it is easy to forge friendships and people here go to any extent to keep their friendships alive. Is it still true to find such deep friendships in the nation where Karna and Krishna fought for their friends to win the battle at Kurukshetra? Is this true even in the age of social media?
After being stood up by my relatives, I realized the importance of friendships and I consider them more important than having a partner. Over the years I've made efforts to strengthen my connections and friendships through hobbies and interests, which I felt is the only way to extend expiration life of friendships. But I never brought all of them together; unsure of how well they may get along with each other. A friend of mine had invited all his close friends for his 40th birthday and two among the invitees ended up crossing swords and that wrote the end of their friendship.
Efforts to stay connected
An email that I received from a dear friend whom I had known for the last 10 years ago made me think more about friendships and how I consider it a precious asset. He has seen me through tough situations and helped me through tough decisions in life. In a world were some friends fade away like shooting stars, we have stayed in touch through Skype calls almost every weekend. On the day of the recent Indian election results, we Skyped until 6 am East Coast time discussing results and outcomes. During our weekly Skype calls we spoke about current affairs, discussed our professional life, what we cooked/plan to cook for the week and exchanged information of our parents well-being. We rarely discussed people!
Silence explained and communicated
It was over a month since we Skyped and my friend had written to me excusing himself for being unresponsive and uncommunicative over the last few weeks due to various reasons. Since I was on a vacation I had all the time time to read all possible newspapers online and share interesting links with him. He usually writes back after reading them, but was silent this time around. His silence didn't bother me, until he explained the reasons. Several years ago he sent me an email informing that he will be out of pocket for sometime so that I don't misconstrue his silence. There is nothing wrong in silence, when communicated and explained.
Friendship: A mixed bag
In the last ten years, I parted ways with two possible life partners and a dozen friends. When I analyzed them, I found some friendships were not deep, some were fragile, some ends were driven by ego, some hijacked by marriage, and some driven by the need to possess and control. I was also at fault in many of these failed relationships; sometimes I ruthlessly judged them and disposed them. I've never asked myself what was expected of me in this relationship and often I felt that relationships were not reciprocated and not emotionally rewarding. In some instances I felt my friends showed me so much love and kindness than I deserved and often wondered how I was going to repay them, even if they never expected anything return. Sometimes I fear I might disappoint them and hence kept myself at a distance.
With expectations and expiry date
Truth is that all relationships happen for a reason, very much begins with the end in mind. Every time I ended one, I introspected, flagellated myself and looked for learnings ways to avoid next dramatic precipitation. Today, I have a few individuals who I refer to as my friends and I've tone down my expectations and I have I've even restricted frivolous usage of the word friend. Despite the tag given to relationships, they all come with both expectations and expiry date.
Recently, I had emailed an acquaintance asking if he would find time to meet up with me during my India trip. His response was rather surprising. He addressed me as an NRI (non-resident Indian) and narrated his experience from meeting NRIs and how cram too many meetings in a day and how their meetings lacked quality time. Not willing to disappoint him or disprove him, I politely responded that I will meet him when I become a resident Indian.
Feeling of helplessness
Though friendship gives me a feeling of fullness, it also leaves me with a feeling of helplessness and indebtedness. Bala who took me around the West Coast, but didn't let me pay for the trip, David who pays for my lunch every time we meet at Sangeetha (Paris), and Dr. Sink my professor from college who has only shown me kindness from first day we met. How can I forget Kishore who ensures I'm well fed when I visit him, Vinodh who fills my fridge with cooked meals before leaving my house in Paris and Sukanth who wakes up at 3.30 am to give me directions to his place and waits till 3.30 pm in the afternoon for us to have lunch together.
All of us want to have friendships, but not all of us have the maturity accept our failures, give more than we receive, or take responsibility to set things right. My friend's silence would have gone noticed in this noisy world, but his proactive communication helped me fine tune my senses and be more perceptive of our friendship. Appreciate your friends, forgive each other's follies, communicate silences and pauses and nurture them to keep it fresh and long lasting. And it if still withers, don't blame yourself.
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