The battles we fight and we must fight

I just got back from watching American Sniper (written late last night). It is a visually loud and emotionally powerful movie. The movie begins with young the sniper's father teaching him the difference between a sheep, a wolf and a sheep dog and indoctrinates him to being a sheep dog in life. Sitting in the audience, I couldn't stop myself from reflecting upon my life incidents, where I've taken these roles and periodically, but then I had to snap out of it to enjoy the movie.

Shuddering woman on the metro

This morning I boarded the metro at Oberkampf to work, and as always I surveyed the voiture - nothing seemed unusual until the train stopped at Richard Lenior (the spot where Charlie Hebdo massacre happened). A young women boarded the train and stood by the door, the train was partially empty. I was standing across from her trying to catch a glimpse of her, but got back to my Twitter page on my mobile. A man in his 30s seated across from me also tried to catch a glimpse of her, but the glimpse soon turned into an never ending stare that looked like visual assault and a invitation for something more. In the meantime the metro had exited the next station, Briguet Sabin and the man left his seat moving closer to the woman. While he grabbed the railing with his left hand, I noticed the wedding ring on his ring finger; does a wedding ring prevent anyone from behaving this way?  The woman near the door began to shudder as he approached her. Unable to bear her reaction, I intercepted the man and prevented him from getting any closer to her. In the meantime the train had reached Bastille and the doors opened; the woman ran away like a sheep. Sadly, none of the other co-passengers came forward to enquire or question such a behavior, but that didn't prevent me from taking him over, which turned into a noisy altercation.

Rakes the emotion in us

Despite being a war movie, American Sniper evoked some buried emotions in me. Emotions of betrayal, slander, discrimination, etc. As Brahmins, many of us are raised to be sheeps (may also be in our gene after generations of conditioning). We are asked to stay away from altercation or any behavior that questions authority or takes evil force head-on other than surrender, patience and prayer. But for some reason despite being born and raised that way, I am increasingly finding myself behave like a sheep dog and yesterday's incident is one of many in the recent past. 

It is everyone's dilemma 

In the movie, the sniper was engulfed with similar questions when he had to shoot down a small boy and his mother, but upon consultation with his superior and his conscience he takes a quick decision. Arjuna in Mahabaratha had a similar dilemma while on the battle field: should I kill my cousins? Should I destroy my people asked Arjuna to Krishna. Rather than looking at it from a good or bad perspective, we must look at it from a point of view of dharma and larger welfare of society, answered Krishna.

It could be small, but it all adds up

Almost a year ago, I stood up against a phrase used in a corporate mailer that singled out single people; a few months ago I pushed a work place bully to the wall when he ridiculed the abilities of my team, I questioned the employee appraisal process and cover-up, and I even evicted a co-passenger on the metro who racially abused me.Yes, I've become intolerant towards prejudice, corporate politics, discrimination and unfair/ unethical practices.

Whether you like it or not, battles are a part of our lives and so are snipers, bullets and vests. Battles begin in our mind, and fight with people whom we know and sometimes with people whom we don't know. 

Every evening is a return from a battlefield

Work is the biggest battle for many of us: some fight with it, while many fight without it. Battles (read as work) take away a lot of energy and we need more energy to emotionally extricate get ourselves out of it. I've seen a few who've stepped out of corporate life because they are unable to kill their conscience and unwilling to be a sheep to those hungry wolves. Sadly, many of us continue to stay a sheep, put up with uncomfortable situations without questioning because we have monthly financial commitments towards our families, mortgages to pay. 

Make a wise choice

Life comes with both endless and limited choices (unlimited buffet). Sometimes we are being used as a bullet, sometimes as a vest and sometimes we fight other's battles. A wise choice is not running away from battles, but to stay there and fight on the side of dharma. On the battle of Kurukshetra, Krishna uses Arjuna as a bullet to fight Kauravas, while he remains his vest to make dharma triumph over evil. The end comes to all, including the sniper in the movie who is finally shot by a war veteran in his own country, but what makes you stand tall is dharma (righteousness). Remember, it is important that we choose the right battles, fight for the right cause and stay on the right side of law (dharma). 

Sustaining Success: Modi and Kejriwal

8 months ago when NaMo came to power media houses made it sound like God himself came down to create heaven on earth and today it is Kejriwal's turn. Yes, every dog has its day and these dogs are mere chew bones for media houses. Dear people, don't be fooled by media that turns zeros into heros and vice-versa.

Losing objectivity
Fair and square, many of these also politicians get carried away by their new friendships: victory, popularity and attention they receive from media and people. In parallel, power sets in new equations that result in infighting, corruption, and scandals. Parties must also introspect why their star candidates defect. Is it because of setting of wrong expectations, unmet promises or over ambitious cadre? All three parties have seen people moving around. As a result of internal turmoil, political parties and its cadres fail to focus on their objectives and in turn distanced from their voter base, who are left high and dry and made to feel stupid. 

AAP victory, not Anti Incumbency

AAP's victory is definitely not anti-incumbency. People of Delhi had completely lost their hope on Congress and its leadership and how they've handled themselves in the last 8 months post Lok Sabha disaster. See how an all India party like Congress has turned itself irrelevant today and has been reduced to a minority party in the last 2 years. 

A wake up call for NaMO

Even NaMo, the CM from Gujarat who has experienced victory three consecutive terms has forgotten what it takes to sustain one's success. A wave gets created only when you deliver and in the 9 months nothing much has been delivered other than a few hundred million bank accounts, a few foreign trips to US, Japan, etc. seeking investments and strengthening ties with our neighbors. In all, the common man hasn't seen much change except drop in petrol/diesel prices that is also due to external variables.

On the other side BJP has been all talk and and no walk. Activities (Ghar wapsi) and vitriolic speeches by Sangh has quickly eroded the faith people had on the blooming lotus. 

Election manifesto - a joke 
If people of Delhi had voted based on party manifesto then none of the parties would have made it to power. Lack of substance in their election manifesto expect a few tricks (free wifi) failed to appeal to youth and common man. But yet the insecurity created by RSS and the speeches sparking religious tensions and attacks on a Church in Delhi got on their nerves to vote in favor of AAP. 

Mr. Amit Shah, stop manipulating people

The middle class in Delhi may have connected with Ms. Bedi, a retired IPS officer, but the results today show how quickly one can lose earned goodwill through defection. Luring a candidate from the opposition party 3 weeks before the elections must have taught that the people of Delhi are not stupids.They may accept actors replacing actors on TV shows, but on the  election ground. Amit Shah needs to stop manipulating people and their cadre if he wants to earn the good will of people.

RSS, the Indian Taliban

Another annoying factor is the rhetoric of RSS making virulent speeches that treat women like baby making machines and infuse unwanted religious tensions among various communities. Trying to make Hindi the official language for all Government communications, Ghar wapsi drama, enforcing Sanskrit and Yoga in Central Govt. schools has quickly made the ruling party look like India's Taliban. People are tired of being divided along the lines of caste, religion, language and culture and played up against each other for political gains.

Mr. Kejriwal should stay away from Ramlila Maidan 
Sustainability of success lies in the delivery of one's promise. It is time Modi puts RSS, Swami, Amit Shah, etc. on mute and start delivering on his promises to enable him bring home bigger returns in Bihar. People of Delhi have given a second chance to AAP in a years time; something that never happens. So, it is time Kejriwal and gang forgets Ramlila Maidan, fasts, and learn from Modi's mistakes and quickly start delivering tangible results to keep Delhiites on their side. And for Mr. Modi and Shah, Bihar is not too far away from polls and remember, the rest of India is watching.

An Apple doesn't fall far from the tree

We lived in a joint family for my first 21 years (father and his two brothers, their 9 children, half-a-dozen house helpers in a 15,000 sqft. sqft house on 7.5 grounds, visitors coming with seasons and reasons). Oh I forgot to tell you how we all grew up drinking milk from a few cows in the backyard, while their calves teaching us how to share and also learning faithfulness from the two dogs. Yes, all this in the heart of Chennai.

Does it look like a circus or a movie set in Kollywood? I leave that decision to you. But I can promise there was no dearth of characters for the acts, constantly changing scenes, costumes and emotions often making me wonder and ponder, what role do I play? Like kids emulating behaviour of their parents, I deduced my role from my parents. Today when I try to understand me and my life, I realized the need to understand the bigger picture, my parents and their life. 

My parents` marriage was a four day celebration. I have heard my maternal grandmother narrate stories that made it look like a celestial wedding. In reality, it was a typically Indian wedding. Most houses in the street were vacated to accommodate my father's side (family, relatives and friends). Chefs made fresh batches of food every hour to feed the guests - so many invitees and many uninvited ones too. There was even a dowry paid (Rs. 25,000 in 1972) to my father's family. A few family friends tried to demand more gold and silver the day before the wedding, but my maternal grandmother didn't budge, in fact asked them to call of the wedding. Her life is another story of courage, kindness and love. Let's save that for another time.

My mother was 17 years and she only had a few months break after her 12th grade and before she got married. She probably didn't know what she was getting into at 17 or may be had no choice. I would say some people are just too bold and blind to believe in their parents and begin their life with an unknown man. Such continues to be the fate of millions of women in India.

Well, my father is not a bad man at all, he is too good which often makes me look for a character in Mahabharatha that resembles him. 

Is he Bheeshma?

My paternal grandfather was a landlord (a zamindar) and passed away at 36 leaving behind a young widow and six children; my last aunt was a few months old and 5lakhs in debt (in1961). There was an immediate need for an alpha male in the family to fill the void of my grandfather and that is what my father eventually turned out to be. My father was also mentored by his maternal grandfather to play this role.

Bheeshma in Mahabharatha was an alpha male. Though he decided to stay single to protect the kingdom and serve people, he was the working to create progeny for the Kuru Dynasty (getting Pandu and Dhridrasthra married and bringing Sage Vyasa to save the embryo of Gandhari and split them into 108 Kauravas). Looking at the catastrophe brought about by Kauravas, we may call it a mistake, but that is karma.

There is a small deviation in my dad's life - he got married to my mother and as a result he got her and their three children also walk along with him. I don't want to decide what characters my father's brothers are; I leave that decision to you. A few years ago, one of my uncles asked my father why he needed all the property and wealth since my brother and I were both single and didn't have any progeny. 

My uncle was not like Kauravas, he had a logical reason (for his greediness) to convince my father to part his share of assets with him. By the way, the other uncle never came to ask or discuss with my father; he forged my dad's signature and sold some of my dad's assets. The same uncle showed up at the hospital when my dad was admitted for an emergency by-pass and promised to show up the next day with money, it has been 10 years since, we are still waiting. Recently at the temple, my father shared the births stars of his brothers while offering his prayers- he sincerely wanted them to do well in life.

But which character is my mother?

Every woman character in Mahabharatha suffered as a result of their husband. From Amba who knocked the doors of kings, sages and gods seeking justice; Kunti became a widow due to Pandu's curse and was separated from her children who were forced to leave the kingdom; Gandhari was forced to marry a blind king and later became a pawn of her husband , 100 plus sons and their adharmic activities, to Draupadi who was married to Arjun, but was asked to be the wife of the other four, and who was pawned in the game of dice against Kauravas.

Sadly, none of these women looked at life as a curse or husband as a suffering and were dutiful towards them. My mother wasn't any different; she was a woman who matched the alpha male. From managing the large household in the city, attending to kids in the house, cooking multiple meals daily and taking up major role in organizing family gathering and executing wedding of my aunts (dad's sisters), she became a willful and skillful work horse. 

While my uncles would take their children out and get them toys, ice cream, candies, my siblings and I were never considered a part of their family. May be that is why my mother played the role of my father while he was busy earning to meet the financial needs of the larger family in the city. Exactly like how Pandavas were treated when living together with Kauravas. Finally, did you discover whom we resemble?

There were instances where my mother was verbally insulted and disrespected by my uncles; but my brother and I were admonished if we raised our voice against my dad or his brothers. If you look in Mahabaratha, only Amba and Draupadi fought for justice and avenged to punish the guilty, none of the others broke the tradition. My mother belonged to the traditional path and surrendered to her fate and my father.

Like many other working mothers today, my mother rarely had time for herself, sometimes she even neglected us or sent us away to her parents` village so that she can serve the larger family. We would see our father 2-3 times a year; mostly around the festival time, otherwise he was largely absent from our lives. That is a brief summary of our childhood. 

My father didn't have a second wife, secret affairs or other vices nor did we have to deal half-siblings or a step mother, but sometimes the larger family left us with that feeling. 

We live their philosophy

An apple doesn't fall far from the tree is very true. Both my brother and ​I aren’t any different from my father, mother or grandparents. Though we understood the behaviour of father's side of the family, we never missed the opportunity to do things from a collective interest rather than being selfish and self-centered. We've never waited to be asked, and took leadership be it a family weddings or bereavements. My father always taught us to put aside differences and work for the larger well-being.

My maternal grandparents both come from a household where their parents were alpha males and they also grew up being that way. The double-dose in our genetic code gives us the advantage to make it our duty to act in favour of the larger be it society or family. It has become the script of life for us; we both exhibit this at work and also with our friends.

My father had access to the wealth of the larger family and if he had the intention to swindle, he would be richer by a few millions, but instead he chose to stay honest. 45 years of service to the family hasn't earned him much even in terms of respect among his family members, but he is our hero.

Blood is thicker than water

Last October when I visited India, I went to my nephew's (first cousin's son) second birthday, it didn't matter to us that they never visited me after my heart surgery or called on my mother after her surgery last July. 

Off late, humans have failed to disappoint me; they only surprise with their behaviour. Not sure if that is my fault or if I'm getting better at understanding of self and people around me.

Though me and my cousins have lived apart in smaller homes and rarely see each other in the last ten years, I wanted my nephews to know me and to be a part of their lives. I felt emotional when I saw them as I was reminded of their fathers and mothers when they were little. I picked them up in my arms and proudly introduced myself as their uncle and played hide and seek, losing every time like I did to their fathers and grandfathers. Winning or losing matters only when you take sides.

 

Looking at the children, I was convinced that blood is thicker than water and it didn't matter if their grandfather took away my share of property. Wouldn't that save another Mahabharatha? It is better to be custodians of virtues and values than wealth, isn't it?

Joint families teach you something that Ivy Leagues will never be able to teach or even simulate. And today, such family units are almost non-existent. But I asked myself again, why didn't my cousins behave like us? The answer lies in the title of this blog. 

My grandparents, parents and my siblings may be the last generation from a civilization who've grown up in such cohesive family units that taught us patience, forgiveness, love and to derive happiness from giving. Remember such virtues are biggest treasures a parent can ever pass on to their children, though sadly no one competes for this kind of wealth. Anyway, let's seed the right qualities, and share and enjoy the fruits of life. Remember an orchard is when trees are together.

Society: A Black Hole

After a long time I happen to taste  my salty tears this weekend; courtesy two movies: Imitation Game and The Theory of Everything. One is a story of Dr. Alan Turing, a famous mathematician who broke Engima, a German machine and how his persecution pushed him to suicide. The second movie is on Stephen Hawking; I'm tempted to put Sir before his name, but he didn't accept the knighthood, and the struggles he and his family went through as a result of his debilitating illness. One gets to see the kind and cruel side of society in these two movies.

In the first movie, one gets to see the cruel side of society that acknowledges Dr. Alan's homosexuality as a perversion. In fact the judge orders the war hero and mathematician to choose between incarceration and chemical castration. I shed the first tear when Dr. Alan tells his ex-colleague and ex-girl friend Joan Clarke why he choose chemical castration over incarceration. 

Before I share the reason with you, let me tell you about Joan. When Dr. Alan calls off his engagement with Joan by announcing his sexuality to her, Joan responds that she can live with Alan even without sex. In a world where sex defines people and their relationships, Joan chooses emotional connect and companionship over physical pleasure. A friend can help you finish the journey of life. 

Now coming back to the reason; Chistropher and Alan were in love with each other and Chris got Allen interested in cryptography which later helped Alan crack the German code and help allies win the war. The first cryptic message between the juveniles expressed their love for each other, but it ended abruptly when Chris passed away due to Tuberculosis. Dr. Alan never forget his love, and in fact he named the machine he built after Christopher. To prevent another separation from Christopher, he choose chemical castration over incarceration. 

Dr. Alan was in his early 40s when he committed suicide. Across the world there are many Alan's trapped in their closets being afraid of persecution. Sadly, the society acknowledges only those who imitate and live by its script and sucks the rest into its Black Hole.

Coming to the second movie, we see the responsible side of the society when Stephen Hawking is diagnosed with a debilitating motor nerve disease and given two more years to live. Stephen's professors didn't look at him with sympathy, both Stephen and his father asks Jane, Stephen's girl friend to break up with him and explains the hardships ahead of her if she chooses Stephen, lastly the music teacher at the Church comes forward to help the family and get over his own grief and tragedy in life through selfless service. 

Stephen and Jane against the odd decide to tie the knot and embark their lives together. At a time when the first child was beginning to crawl, Stephen's illness brought him on his knees and he was competing with the infant for both attention and care. Progressively, the diseases takes a toll on the couple, their marriage, Jane's PhD and confines Stephen to his wheel chair. What the disease couldn't do was not prevent the couple from having two more children and not only complete his dissertation on black hole, but also disprove it later. 

Jane is a practicing catholic, while Stephen is an atheist. While the disease begins to push Jane and Stephan apart, faith brings together Elaine, a attendant to teaches communication to Stephen after he lost his speech and Jonathan, a music teacher and a widower from the church to help Jane manage her three children. Isn't understanding each other's needs and wants more important than understanding the unknown? 

I shed tear every time honesty and sacrifice came face-to-face with reality and hardships of life. The Theory of Everything ends with Jane explaining their separation and peaceful coexistence through Big Bang and Relativity. Both Stephen and Jane and their families also understand the need for their separation and let them embark on their new lives with Jonathan and Elaine respectively shedding a new meaning to marriage, companionship and life. It takes two to ru(i)n a marriage and in this case society helped four of them find their happiness and get another life from the Black hole.