An Apple doesn't fall far from the tree

We lived in a joint family for my first 21 years (father and his two brothers, their 9 children, half-a-dozen house helpers in a 15,000 sqft. sqft house on 7.5 grounds, visitors coming with seasons and reasons). Oh I forgot to tell you how we all grew up drinking milk from a few cows in the backyard, while their calves teaching us how to share and also learning faithfulness from the two dogs. Yes, all this in the heart of Chennai.

Does it look like a circus or a movie set in Kollywood? I leave that decision to you. But I can promise there was no dearth of characters for the acts, constantly changing scenes, costumes and emotions often making me wonder and ponder, what role do I play? Like kids emulating behaviour of their parents, I deduced my role from my parents. Today when I try to understand me and my life, I realized the need to understand the bigger picture, my parents and their life. 

My parents` marriage was a four day celebration. I have heard my maternal grandmother narrate stories that made it look like a celestial wedding. In reality, it was a typically Indian wedding. Most houses in the street were vacated to accommodate my father's side (family, relatives and friends). Chefs made fresh batches of food every hour to feed the guests - so many invitees and many uninvited ones too. There was even a dowry paid (Rs. 25,000 in 1972) to my father's family. A few family friends tried to demand more gold and silver the day before the wedding, but my maternal grandmother didn't budge, in fact asked them to call of the wedding. Her life is another story of courage, kindness and love. Let's save that for another time.

My mother was 17 years and she only had a few months break after her 12th grade and before she got married. She probably didn't know what she was getting into at 17 or may be had no choice. I would say some people are just too bold and blind to believe in their parents and begin their life with an unknown man. Such continues to be the fate of millions of women in India.

Well, my father is not a bad man at all, he is too good which often makes me look for a character in Mahabharatha that resembles him. 

Is he Bheeshma?

My paternal grandfather was a landlord (a zamindar) and passed away at 36 leaving behind a young widow and six children; my last aunt was a few months old and 5lakhs in debt (in1961). There was an immediate need for an alpha male in the family to fill the void of my grandfather and that is what my father eventually turned out to be. My father was also mentored by his maternal grandfather to play this role.

Bheeshma in Mahabharatha was an alpha male. Though he decided to stay single to protect the kingdom and serve people, he was the working to create progeny for the Kuru Dynasty (getting Pandu and Dhridrasthra married and bringing Sage Vyasa to save the embryo of Gandhari and split them into 108 Kauravas). Looking at the catastrophe brought about by Kauravas, we may call it a mistake, but that is karma.

There is a small deviation in my dad's life - he got married to my mother and as a result he got her and their three children also walk along with him. I don't want to decide what characters my father's brothers are; I leave that decision to you. A few years ago, one of my uncles asked my father why he needed all the property and wealth since my brother and I were both single and didn't have any progeny. 

My uncle was not like Kauravas, he had a logical reason (for his greediness) to convince my father to part his share of assets with him. By the way, the other uncle never came to ask or discuss with my father; he forged my dad's signature and sold some of my dad's assets. The same uncle showed up at the hospital when my dad was admitted for an emergency by-pass and promised to show up the next day with money, it has been 10 years since, we are still waiting. Recently at the temple, my father shared the births stars of his brothers while offering his prayers- he sincerely wanted them to do well in life.

But which character is my mother?

Every woman character in Mahabharatha suffered as a result of their husband. From Amba who knocked the doors of kings, sages and gods seeking justice; Kunti became a widow due to Pandu's curse and was separated from her children who were forced to leave the kingdom; Gandhari was forced to marry a blind king and later became a pawn of her husband , 100 plus sons and their adharmic activities, to Draupadi who was married to Arjun, but was asked to be the wife of the other four, and who was pawned in the game of dice against Kauravas.

Sadly, none of these women looked at life as a curse or husband as a suffering and were dutiful towards them. My mother wasn't any different; she was a woman who matched the alpha male. From managing the large household in the city, attending to kids in the house, cooking multiple meals daily and taking up major role in organizing family gathering and executing wedding of my aunts (dad's sisters), she became a willful and skillful work horse. 

While my uncles would take their children out and get them toys, ice cream, candies, my siblings and I were never considered a part of their family. May be that is why my mother played the role of my father while he was busy earning to meet the financial needs of the larger family in the city. Exactly like how Pandavas were treated when living together with Kauravas. Finally, did you discover whom we resemble?

There were instances where my mother was verbally insulted and disrespected by my uncles; but my brother and I were admonished if we raised our voice against my dad or his brothers. If you look in Mahabaratha, only Amba and Draupadi fought for justice and avenged to punish the guilty, none of the others broke the tradition. My mother belonged to the traditional path and surrendered to her fate and my father.

Like many other working mothers today, my mother rarely had time for herself, sometimes she even neglected us or sent us away to her parents` village so that she can serve the larger family. We would see our father 2-3 times a year; mostly around the festival time, otherwise he was largely absent from our lives. That is a brief summary of our childhood. 

My father didn't have a second wife, secret affairs or other vices nor did we have to deal half-siblings or a step mother, but sometimes the larger family left us with that feeling. 

We live their philosophy

An apple doesn't fall far from the tree is very true. Both my brother and ​I aren’t any different from my father, mother or grandparents. Though we understood the behaviour of father's side of the family, we never missed the opportunity to do things from a collective interest rather than being selfish and self-centered. We've never waited to be asked, and took leadership be it a family weddings or bereavements. My father always taught us to put aside differences and work for the larger well-being.

My maternal grandparents both come from a household where their parents were alpha males and they also grew up being that way. The double-dose in our genetic code gives us the advantage to make it our duty to act in favour of the larger be it society or family. It has become the script of life for us; we both exhibit this at work and also with our friends.

My father had access to the wealth of the larger family and if he had the intention to swindle, he would be richer by a few millions, but instead he chose to stay honest. 45 years of service to the family hasn't earned him much even in terms of respect among his family members, but he is our hero.

Blood is thicker than water

Last October when I visited India, I went to my nephew's (first cousin's son) second birthday, it didn't matter to us that they never visited me after my heart surgery or called on my mother after her surgery last July. 

Off late, humans have failed to disappoint me; they only surprise with their behaviour. Not sure if that is my fault or if I'm getting better at understanding of self and people around me.

Though me and my cousins have lived apart in smaller homes and rarely see each other in the last ten years, I wanted my nephews to know me and to be a part of their lives. I felt emotional when I saw them as I was reminded of their fathers and mothers when they were little. I picked them up in my arms and proudly introduced myself as their uncle and played hide and seek, losing every time like I did to their fathers and grandfathers. Winning or losing matters only when you take sides.

 

Looking at the children, I was convinced that blood is thicker than water and it didn't matter if their grandfather took away my share of property. Wouldn't that save another Mahabharatha? It is better to be custodians of virtues and values than wealth, isn't it?

Joint families teach you something that Ivy Leagues will never be able to teach or even simulate. And today, such family units are almost non-existent. But I asked myself again, why didn't my cousins behave like us? The answer lies in the title of this blog. 

My grandparents, parents and my siblings may be the last generation from a civilization who've grown up in such cohesive family units that taught us patience, forgiveness, love and to derive happiness from giving. Remember such virtues are biggest treasures a parent can ever pass on to their children, though sadly no one competes for this kind of wealth. Anyway, let's seed the right qualities, and share and enjoy the fruits of life. Remember an orchard is when trees are together.