Vulgar display of intricately woven kancheevarams and glitter of Kolar and Kohinoor instantly submerged me in an island of penury. I escaped the air of jasmine and found a seat far away from the (f)action pit enjoying the mellifluous music emanating from the Nadhaswarams. It was funny to watch the wind power of the Nadhaswara vidwan competing with the wickedness and word power of our Mamis. Finally it was priests who manage to successfully mute Mamis’ and Musicians and getting attention back on the dais. Noise, fervor, gaiety or gala, wedding is one occasion that usually brings lot of relatives together, and gives them an opportunity to catch up and meet all of them under one roof. Definitely a beehive!
Everybody goes ga ga about weddings, and even foreigners enamored to wed our way, but do you realize that there is so much more to our weddings than just rituals and crowd?
We all must have watched this a hundred times and some in multiples of hundreds, but have you ever wondered the type, kind and quality of conversations people engage in a social and public setting? Today I decided ignore the usual stuff – music, chat, food, etc. and instead focus on the conversations, literally be a fly on the chair. My intentions were not to participate but to listen into gossips, understand the subject and object of gossip, and examine the quality. Is it silly or is it serious stuff? Is it halal or all bloody? Do happy people gossip or unhappy souls’ gossip?
Parking these questions and smell of jasmine aside, I went in search of the gossip brew. I was reminded of Hanuman going in search of herb Sanjeevani? :-)
Every time I pass by them, I face the same question, when are you going to feed us? (Implied meaning – when are you going to get married?). The moment I turn my back, I am sure they will have enough stuff to bitch about me.
Place: Bitch hive 1
Subject: Me
Readers stop here! Get a cup of masala chai, forget the extra dash of Ginger, I promise to give you that.
Mami 1: This guy has studied in America, managed to get multiple degrees, visited many temples in India, and works at a Senior level for an IT company, eligible guy but why is he still single?
Mami 2: May be he has potency problems or probably a love affair with an outside the caste girl?
Mami 3: If he delays for another year he will only get widows and divorcees (second hands) to marry.
Mami 4: Hmmm….Lots of money in the family, but no opportunity for wife and progeny. Don’t know if it is graham dosham or curse that came with the wealth or some ancestral curse in the family?
Wow…within minutes frisk me with their eyes, analyzed my life, lifestyle and cast aspersions on my biological, physiological well-being and my astrological chart too. Why do they make their analysis on actions and karma sound so scientific, and make them look like sisters to Newton and Einstein? Why do Mamis’ think it is their birth right to be judgmental and obnoxious? May be it is time we recommend them for Noble Gossip Prize.
Place: Bitch hive 2
Subject: Avantika (a newly wedded girl), her husband(Kaushik) and mother in-law (Raji)enter the marriage hall.
Mami 1: Avantika is a shrewd; within the first month of marriage she has managed separate Kaushik from Raji. Look at Kaushik holding her pallu and walking like a domestic cat.
Mami 2: The same cook who comes to my neighbors house goes to Raji’s house. I heard from her that Avantika is ultra modern, comes home late at night and sleeps till 9 AM. Look at her she doesn’t even wear toe ring and Mangalyam. She has cut and colored her hair.
Mami 3: Raji is traditional while her daughter-in-law blouse resembles a French door, not even a window! What a combination of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law! All Kali yuga!
Mami 4: Did you notice that Raji is not talking to her sister-in-law, may be they’re still upset over the property dispute? Let me talk to Raji while I take her for breakfast, while you should talk to her sister-in-law to get the scoop.
It was no different than dialogues that we get to hear and see on soaps. I was moving from one bitch hive to another bitch hive, but I felt like a tornado chaser, excited, powerful and at times intrigued.
Why are these Mamis’ intolerant to others happiness and success? Why do they ruthlessly judge people based on their clothes and life journey? Why do they decide your worthiness? Why connect unrelated dots and purport their logic? Why Mamis’ deface and talk ill of their community and clan?
I must confess that sometimes these bitch hives make interesting news than newspapers, tea stalls and media houses. Remember these hungry reptiles walloping their sticky tongue can turn you into a prey in seconds.
Place: Bitch hive 3
Subject: Sharadha mami (a fresh widow, like freshly brewed coffee)passes by the hive.
Mami 1: It is hardly 3 months since Sharadha Mami’s husband expired she has come for the wedding.
Mami 2: Atlast Mami looks happy. She was suffering with her drunkard husband for 15 years and finally when he died of liver cirrhosis. He left with 2 lakh hospital bill and a 15 lakh house loan.
Mami 3: Did you know that Sharadha’s daughter eloped with a Kerala Muslim guy soon after her husband’s death? What a life time and experience for Sharadha! Hope Sharadha will get to see light in her life through her son.
You may have learnt to deal with your problems, smile through trials and tribulations, but Mamis’ have a different way to weighing and analyzing your life. Why do they decide your sadness and happiness and conveniently equate and substitute money with sorrow and sorrow with money? Never mistake their sympathy, it is often filled with jealousy and malice. Nobody can be happy in their eyes and in their world!
Place: Bitch hive 4
Subject: Bride, groom and their parents come on the dias for engagement ceremony.
Mami 1: Brides father works in Income-tax. No wonder he is able to host the wedding at Mayor Ramanathan hall, hire Arusuvai to cook for the wedding and Sudha Raghunathan concert for reception? Did you know Janvasam will be in the new Skoda car that he bought from the groom
Mami 2: Did you see the “Seer varisai”? It seems 100 kgs of Silver utensils and 150 sovereigns were given to the girl. I hear the brides wedding sarees were all made to order.
Mami 3: Wait and watch black money will not last. It will go the way it came. God alone knows how many months this marriage will last.
Mami 4: Rasam was salty, sambar was watery, payasam had burnt smell and the snacks smells of sunflower oil. Moreover, there was no one to receive us and exchange pleasantries at the entrance.
Mami 5: I asked the Bride’s father if he can arrange for a drop us to Vadapalani, it is not safe to go with jewels in Auto.
This is just a sample of what I have heard over a period of time. The four bitch hives literally gave me hives. I couldn’t handle the mudslinging, slander and judgments. I found there was nothing halal about them!
They trashed the father a few minutes ago, but now they shamelessly ask for a drop back home. Well there are some people who are kind enough to discuss people outside the wedding hall. Aren’t these people opportunists? Would you imagine that these women were invited to bless the couple? Would you imagine the amount of hard work that must have gone in putting this wedding together?
It is often sad to see some of your aunts and uncles and own blood also aligning with this clan. Do we really have to re-write the adage, “blood is thicker than water but it stains and stinks too”. Are these people your well-wishers?
In the name of catching up, meeting people and socially networking there is a huge percentage that makes it worse than Facebook and Twitter! The smell of jasmine comes with the stench of malice and gossip. Next time when you receive a wedding invite ask yourself if you are you going there to bash, bitch, and/or bless. If you are going for the last one, then it is best see them in private after the wedding and save yourself from the deranged Mami mafia.
Vasthrabhaharanam by Chandrasekaran!
