Is there a Key to Happiness?

The word “Happiness” is such a clichéd noun, yet has not lost the sheen and glitter. We’ve seen people discuss this on emails, when they get together and over the phone. Aren’t you in a state of euphoria when you say you are happy? Is there something called happiness or is it just a state of mind? Do both material and immaterial things bring happiness? Is happiness tangible, and can it be measured? Can we conquer happiness or is it an ever fleeting stage that one can never achieve? Can it be retained for forever? How do you think people would define happiness across different age categories? Well questions are innumerable and they can go on forever, while answers are terse and simple.

Dictionaries define happiness as state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy. This is a very interesting definition that throws open the room for a lot of debate and discussion.

I have underlined the term “State of Well-being”. What can this mean? It can mean differently to different people depending on their wants and needs. N&W changes according to the way of life, age of the person, emotional quotient, and economic status. For some happiness is born after the basic needs are satiated, while for some happiness comes when their wants are satiated.

Abraham Maslow’s theory on hierarchy of needs states that people ascend the pyramid after their psychological/physiological needs like food, shelter, clothing, security are satisfied. Need is a basic requirement without which life cannot go on. Wants are the luxuries in life and is a never ending list for anyone and everyone.

For a toddler, chocolate, ice creams, and cartoons would mean happiness. Happiness for a teenager would be pocket money to buy a few things, trendy clothes and other fashion accessories. For grown-ups the same happiness is derived from driving a good car, able to give a gift to his girl friend, while that for a middle aged person would be to have a home of his own, kids getting educated, understanding wife. Retired folks would have a few different things on their list to qualify themselves to be happy. Frequent trips to spiritual places, good health, well settled off-springs and grandkids. Sadhu would consider attaining salvation as happiness. For Radha happiness was divine unison with Krishna, and for Gopikas happiness was time together with Krishna.

Don’t you think the list above for each of the category is their wants and not needs? Needs and wants are not the same for all people. Darwin said only the fittest survive. Do the fittest feel happy? Not necessary, they can call themselves the fittest survivors, but they may not be happy. Don’t our wants become needs and the list grows exponentially as we continuously survive? Everyone reaches the want level only when their needs are fulfilled. The bar always keeps moving higher and higher and there is a never ending race. A Prince’s need would be a pauper’s want. A pauper’s need would not be more than his basic needs to survive.

Once when I going around the city clicking some scences I noticed a homeless person loitering on the roadside. I decided to strike a conversation with him on various issues. Later on I asked him if he would pose for a picture, he immediately did. When I came home I looked at the picture more closely and there was something in him that was missing in people around today. There was so much happiness and contentment in that soul and there was no spec of pretence in the photograph. Remember he is a homeless person and his days and nights are by the roadside. He doesn't have money and fat bank balance like us. He picks garbage sorts them and makes his living. He has no big dreams about life and is not ready to conquer the world, amass a lot of wealth like many of us. His wants and needs are very basic and minimal. His good night sleep on the sidewalk is much refresshing and fulfilling than the many of the insomaniacs that toss and turn on the durotex matress and airconditioned rooms yet struggling to let them mind and body rest. As Ramana Maharishi said, Happiness is the state of mind. A rested mind, deviod of any attachment gives rise to everlasting happiness. You can call it anandham, paramanandham, or bhramanandham.

Contentment to intense joy in happiness depends again on various factors. A beggar who has not had a meal for 5 days will feel excited upon having a full square meal and contentment will last till he gets hungry again. Contentment is more at a need level and intense joy is more at a want level where one gets to enjoy the luxury. The same beggar may be excited or thrilled when he gets a ride in a Mercedes.

When I was a kid my priorities then decided my happiness. Needs and wants then tuned my mind to the state of happiness.
When American consulate stamped my visa I felt I had a license to join the privileged and I belonged to the elite society.
When I had my multiple Masters my ego was higher than Alps and I thought I knew everything on earth and I was God.
When I first made my six figure salary there was euphoria and I felt the real money power.
Driving a car gave me a sense of achievement, but when the question what next arrived the state of happiness cease to exist.

Very soon the perfect journey of life that I had worked for and the right I had ended abruptly. Who took it away? Where did it go? Why was I raped of happiness? Upon pondering very deeply and analyzing the entire state I was able to take in a few pearls of wisdom.

Definitely happiness is a relative term and it is a state of mind rather than state of well being. The state of well-being cultivates and prepares the mind. While most of us settle for material happiness, some of us throw away material happiness derived from power, money, ego etc. and tune and cultivate our mind for the sublime stage.

For the materialistic souls happiness is an ever fleeting stage, they are near it but yet so far. A spiritually enlightened soul would not distinguish between happiness and sorrow. Though that is the desired state well the majority of the population falls outside the curve.

Today happiness means so many different things to me….
Holding nothing back, sense of detachment, sharing and caring, living together, able to reach out other folks’ emotional and basic needs, not avaricious for wealth, power, moving from a self-centered ego centric approach to a selfless diffusing sublime being, throwing the self away, dissolving in the state of no belonging.

I don’t know if I am yet there, but it is a long journey and I am still preparing the mind for that ever euphoric state. I think I have found my key to happiness. Keep visiting may be you will find me in that state someday where emoticons will be of no use to me.

Marriage - A Boon or a Bane?

Remember those days when kids decked with jewels and garlands going around the fire at a tender age? A life partner merely meant another playmate for the kids. India has a history of child marriages and girls getting married prior to attaining puberty. Gone are those days of child marriage and today’s ambience and competitive atmosphere has considerably delayed the marriage age amongst all communities today. There was a time when guys in Hindu families got married before then 26th birthday. But today the marriage age has slowly climbed up to 28 and 29 irrespective of the community. Without a MBA or a Masters it is tough to find a decent job. Exponentially growing wants and needs, changing lifestyle puts more pressure to save adequately before marriage. Moreover, Guys want to chill out for a few years after they start to earn and before they enter the commitment club of marriage.

Parents are now psyched with their wards entering the marriage commitment only in late 20’s and early 30’s. They have a genuine fear is that by the time their grandkids grow up to become responsible young adults their son’s and daughters would have retired and be descending the “S” curve. Given the increased longevity of Indian population today and advancement in the science & technology, parents are still worried about their shelf life and not being around long enough to see their third generation. Today’s younger generation is blamed for being selfish and materialistic delaying their marriage and robbing their parents from finishing their responsibilities.

Coming from a traditional South Indian Brahmin family, it is believed that marriage is the only way through which one can complete his duties and attain moksha (salvation). The scriptures recommend Grihasthashrama before Vanaprastha or Sanyasashrama. Certain ceremonial Hindu rites are reserved only for the elite licensed community aka married folks. Agni (fire) is required for conducting final rites and yearly rites for the deceased and other pitrus (ancestors) in the family and Agni (fire) for such rituals should be lit by the wife. When one doesn’t perform the yearly ceremonies the ancestors (7 generations) are in limbo. This would beget their curse and unhappiness to the future generations.

After my sister’s wedding there has been so much pressure for me to get married. Relatives who visit our home and others who call my mother have been asking them if they are looking out for a bride for me and my brother. Overwhelmed by peer pressure and society pressure my parents have lost their calm and balance. Single living has been on the rise

I don’t know how rest of the world feels about marriage, kids and other responsibilities that come along with wedlock. But I feel people must be given a choice to decide if they want to get married or stay single for the rest of their life without adding religious flavor and ritualistic crap to the entire marriage ritual. Neither am I against marriage nor do I hate married people. All I am saying is that we all have a choice to make here and nothing must be forced upon anyone.

These days there is so much of emotional crap that I will have to go through at home. When I reach home in the evening I would catch my mother muttering on the phone discussing about prospective candidates for the daughter-in-law position. Soupy emotional night would unfold when I get to the table for dinner. She would start a conversation on the horoscopes (horrorscopes) that she has received. Once the conversation starts my father would slowly slip in his views on this entire drama. He says that they are getting old and would want to get done with their responsibilities and want to his grand kids soon.


The Family Bird:
I met a friend of mine from college the other day and he turned 30 recently. With a decent job, pot belly, an acronym after his name, a small family with 2 kids, he had it all right. He was carrying his 2 year old son around and while his wife was shopping at the store. There was so much happiness and contentment that I could see on his face. The father role that he played was done with thorough enjoyment and perfection. He was helping his wife get the right shade of clothing and infact asked her to get another pair. Well some people would love to get into the family groove and for them life is not complete without all these responsibilities. These birds enjoy the nest and want to stay that way forever.

The Solitary Bird:
I ran into a colleague during the weekend trip to the temple. He was going around the Navagraham (9 Planets) and I promptly wished him and stopped him after his prayers. He said was there to make a special prayer to find a compatible bride soon. He said his family recently placed an adv in the newspaper for a bride. I peeled the next layer to find out his choice of bride. He readily offered a lot of masala to conversation going at lengths on the frequent arguments with his father on conventional methods to selecting a bride. There was a nerve of anxiety that ran on his face and he wanted to find a bride and settle down soon. I hoped this bird probably knew the commitment to keep the nest in shape but this bird was desperate to get in the cage.

The Caged Bird:
A few married friends of mine complain about tough and long weekdays that start from dropping their kids off at the school to the honey-do list that ran several pages and that goes late in the evenings. They were looking for a break and they had no time to even catch up with their hobbies or their sleep. Their action packed weekends doing grocery shopping and driving their kids to birthday parties and tuitions keeps them on their toes. I don’t know if these birds got into the cage after knowing the rules of the game, but today they were not so happy playing their fatherly roles and if given a choice they were ready to flee the nest.

If we look around today we find our colleagues or family members in any of the three categories. The bird in the cage wants to leave the cage while the bird outside wants to get in the cage. For some it was their choice and conscious decision, while for some other it was a mistake, for the remaining it was thrusted upon them.

Some fallacies about marriage:

1. Marriage will solve all problems in life. If the man wanders irresponsible then they would get him married and put him on the anvil to make him responsible. Not all men are malleable, and some break the anvil.
2. Everybody is suited for family life and is pre-made for the role. I have seen so many marriages where it is a one way street. One does the deposit while the other only makes withdrawals.
3. Marriage is to have someone around to take care of you when you parents are gone and that you don’t live a solitary life. Should that be the real purpose of marriage? Well it is not guaranteed that your kids or grandkids will take care of you. Nothing is sealed and signed.
Society doesn’t respect you if you are not married. Who cares about the society? Shouldn’t it be a conscious choice one must make without any compulsion or inhibition? Isn’t this society responsible for bestial practices like shaving the heads of widows, asking them to jump in the funeral pyres of their husband, so on and forth.
4. Life is never complete without marriage. Well the society believes that marriage makes you a complete man. Marriage is only one side of the coin and there is another side to it.
5. Being single is a curse and it portrays you to be a misfit in the society. Well there were so many accomplished bachelors in the world who do their best still being single.

Well this list can grow endlessly. So many men and women lead a miserable life today even after marriage because one of the partner was forced into the marriage and it is never a conscious choice. Let us resign to the fact that religious beliefs can’t solve practical problems.

My 2 Cents:
1. Happiness is a frame of mine. If you can lead a happy life all by yourself then go ahead all alone. Neither marriage ensures happiness nor does it rob.
2. Don’t worry about old age and care takers, in the days to come we will see more population in the old age homes with kids and grand kids. Don’t let people threaten you with the old age card.
3. Marriage is only for those who can produce honest, caring, sincere citizens. Let us stay away from jobs that we are not good at because you reap what you sow.
4. Don’t succumb to peer pressure, parental pressure and society pressure. Do the best and give 100% of yourself to things that are close to the heart. The society appreciates your stand and will not ostracize you for being single.
5. There are better things to do rather than getting married and making babies. Well it is not a bad job either. Go for it only if you are good at it, don’t get into the rink and cry for help with a bloody nose.

Peekaboo 2006

It has been a month since my last post. This doesn’t mean that I have abandoned the blog site. I have had the busiest December in my life and January has been even busy. I had a lot of surprises around Christmas. I had spoken to some of my friends whom I have not heard from in a couple of years. Infact I received surprise gifts from some of them and a few called up too. When you don’t expect and people just send in their love through emails and express their wishes through phonecalls, you don’t need an excuse to feel elated and special. Well, thanks to everyone who made the holiday season memorable and special.

I made a few temple visits during the holidays amidst busy schedule at work. I forayed into Kancheepuram and covered the famous temples on a Saturday morning. I had been to Varadaraja Perumal temple many times but never got the opportunity to be in such a close proximity to the deity. It was a calm and early to bed New Year.

With the curtains coming down, Chennai had busy Music festival. The engagement column in the newspaper has come to a 3” X 4” box now from an entire page. Pongal was calm yet very festive. The usual smog from the burning of tires and other crap was absent this year. People got more sensible to refrain from polluting the atmosphere.

On the personal front it has been a very different New Year. I have been spending some of my free time catching up with my reading. I had promised her for a long time that I would visit her and that never happened for 4 months. Atlast I spent the Sunday last weekend at a friend’s place. A lot more friends have walked into my life this year.

Well I have also started a new blog for people to sound their frustrations at work and use the place as boxing bag. For those of you who would like to take a peek http://bitchandbitch.blogspot.com/