While my blog on Mylapore Mamis has evoked a lot of response, here are a set of questions that you can share with the Mamis which they can in turn pass it on to prospective brides and grooms. Hope this will be helpful.
Questions Couples Should Ask (Or Wish They Had) Before Marrying
Published: December 17, 2006
Relationship experts report that too many couples fail to ask each other critical questions before marrying. Here are a few key ones that couples should consider asking:
What questions do you think are important to ask before marriage?
1) Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?
2) Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?
3) Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?
4) Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?
5) Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?
6) Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?
7) Will there be a television in the bedroom?
8) Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?
9) Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?
10) Do we like and respect each other’s friends?
11) Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?
12) What does my family do that annoys you?
13) Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?
14) If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?
15) Do each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?
Dear Chandra,
ReplyDeleteNethi adi questions…but how many will be of this category? If they start asking these questions, how many do you think will adhere to it?
Wish these were made mandatory in our Hindu system of marriage.
Hypothetically speaking, assume if a couple taking such vow are not able to keep up their promise, will you say, they are not truthful to each other? Probably, they are not truthful towards their commitment?
Uma:
ReplyDeleteWe don’t ask questions today and we assume that this is all a given in a marriage, more so in arranged marriages. We’ve had a few practices in the Hindu wedding ceremony but over the years we’ve lost them. Refer to Manu Shastram and he gives you clauses and ways to find out if the bride/groom is impotent. It was a custom to send a barber from the bride’s side to shave the groom prior to the wedding and he did necessary verification like what was not done to our Shanti. Today families insist on medical check and exchange of medical reports prior to wedding.
There were lot less complications those days in the society and hence getting married was not much a problem and there was no need for reams to questionnaire to be filled out. But today we have multiple degrees, complicated personalities and complex lifestyles and all this to keep up with the World. We are too complex to be simple.
Hypothetically speaking, assume if a couple taking such vow are not able to keep up their promise, will you say, they are not truthful to each other? Probably, they are not truthful towards their commitment?
Answering to your question, Gone are those days when marriage was built on love and not on physical ownership. Marriage is pretty much a contract today. The legal system around marriage though empowers us with an opportunity to escape the tyranny of the spouse, but at the same time makes it more contractual. It is interesting to observe that East Asian countries have a different way of looking at sex vs. love. I also believe that our culture was that way for sometime and then things got blur in the journey of time.
The question of polygamy or monogamy must be agreed upon prior to wedding and once the contractual commitment breaks the relationship cease to exist. It all depends on the clauses that we include in the agreement.
My 2 cents and sense!!
Chandra
Anita:
ReplyDeleteHi Chandra,
I totally agree with all your points and i would like to highlight the eighth point and the last one.
As uma says both the partners take them for granted when it comes to marriage and they think they can change each other to suit their own likes and dislikes.
Accepting each other with their own faults and tolerance limits are very important in any relationship.
Kudos to you for sharing very important thoughts about marriage.
I just want to know ways how to make a marriage work despite all the 15 points which you have written.
How can you make person understand and listen to you when he is not prepared to listen to you and only commands, comments and demands?