Chennai V Phobic

I was so thrilled when I saw “Vagina Monologues” (VM) on TOI’s Chennai festival and there I was frantically calling the newspaper office every day to get a front seat to watch the vagina and enjoy hear her sob stories. Do I sound sadistic or sardonic?

My enthusiasm was so high that I started referring Aug 27 as V-day in my calendar at work. Every time I called them or wrote to TOI it was a woman on the other end (am I blessed or cursed?) and I was cautious not to mention the first word and always with due respect and piety I referred to it as the program on August 27. The city can be proud of me – I am a gentleman!

Is Chennai the City of Angels? The city apparently seems to have a problem with vagina. Is it phobic or just itchy? VM was in Chennai a few years ago and orthodox Chennai found the vagina too hot to handle and sin to lend their ears to her. They vehemently shooed her away.

This time the vagina was back desperately hoping to make her debut in Chennai. Her enthusiasms and desperation put together was more than the libido of youngsters in the city. I thought the time had atlast arrived for Mamis to have their voice heard in public. But apparently Mamas’ know how to muffle the cries. The moral police guarding the city shooed her away high and dry. I was annoyed and disappointed beyond consolation when I heard the news.

What is with Chennai and vaginas? Why does the city get stickier than vaginas? Is it yeast infection? Is there a tussle between the city and vaginas? When and where did this hate stem from? Doesn’t it sound so gay to hate vaginas! But aren’t vaginas safer with gay men?

Does Chennai have happy Vaginas that they need not hear the story of sad and sulking vaginas? I thought I will get to see one atlast for free, but orthodox city still seem to have a problem with vaginas. The truth is that “No vagina comes free”. If I ever wanted to see one I will have to spend on a flight ticket to Mumbai to catch one. Does it sound corny or salacious?

I am going home with a lot of unanswered questions, may be this how much close I will ever get to a vagina! Am I sounding like a VM? Well this is a “Penis Monologue”!

Singled out

I was there at family wedding last month and without any rhyme or reason I was given more attention than the bride and groom. Wow… why this unsolicited attention and glare of publicity? Was it because of my flaming dressing style, fragrant Hugo cologne, or scruffy model look? It was none of the above, but my single hood that brought me uninvited trouble.

Limelight always comes with a price -invasion of privacy. Without any invite Mamis’ gravitated around me and raped my happiness at the social gathering. There I was wiggling like an innocent prey caught in their powerful talons. To these birds of prey single hood meant an irreversible curse and leper in the society. On the pretext of free food they began verbally harassing my parents on the subject of my marriage. My single hood was painted to be the worst tragedy that could ever hit my family. I realized it is never safe and happy to be single and near the hornets nest, these married women can strike without being provoked.

Are single people country bumpkins? There I was outside a popular local bar with a friend on a Saturday night for a good conversation over the few drinks and our entry was denied. Well groomed, well dressed and with proper footwear yet our entry was denied and I was puzzled. when I asked them why and they slapped the door on my face and answered in two words “Only couples”. How rude can it get in the city?

Do we need a SEZ for single people? I got busy on a Sunday morning skimming through the classifieds section of the newspaper for house rentals. When I called the owners the first qualifier that I had to clear was a question on my status – married or single? They hung up the every moment I was single, I had more to finish the sentence, but there was none at the other end. Why can’t single people rent? Are we terrorist who target marriages? Are we outcast in the society?

Single? then take the first row! The harassment continued from wedding, the bar and not at the cinema hall. There I was at the booking counter at the popular cinema hall in the city demanding a seat in the back row. They promptly replied “only couples”. I just asked for a back row seat, but they looked at me like a sinner demanding a seat in the heaven. I was again made to feel unhappy and ashamed of my single status. Is it Sin being single?

Desperately in need of a break from the unfriendly city and its boorish people I headed out to meet the travel agent for a getaway. He briefed me on the package and options , but I realized I need to pay more to go on a vacation by myself. Every opportunity missed and used comes with a price and single people always tend to pay extra.

Is it a curse being single in this city? From gatherings to bars to rentals to movie halls to vacations it is unfair and I was singled out and discriminated. May be I am better of being widowed or divorced than being single in this city. It is sad to be SINgle in this city.

Is it clean, safe and comfortable?

Remember long train journeys of yesteryears and hoards of relatives and friends showing up in train stations with spicy food, and hot coffee in a thermos flask for the traveling family and friends? There was so much care, love, bonding and relationship building without any crib and we still had 24 hrs in a day then. Don’t you long for such journeys and such lovely receptions with food and gossip? The very experience of traveling was a delight then, but today? Where did all this vanish? Is it all a passé?

I thought about all of this and more during my recent journey by Trivandrum Express. The journey not only made me nostalgic, but made me anxious and sweaty. Did the DNA mutate and along the journey of evolution and did we forget our sense of hygiene and social skills?

Remember the days of Ramayana? Rama and Guha met in transit and became friends for life. Today there is no room for knowing your next door neighbor leave alone striking friendly chords in trains. Train friendships aka Rayil sneham (friendship on the move) is obsolete. Do we play the victim card and blame our fast paced lifestyle or ape the West (individualistic) culture? After shoving our luggage in the den below and we turn cold and absorbed with our mobile phones, newspaper/magazines. Should be blame biscuit bandits for being wary and reticent? May be we feel it is intrusive to know about your fellow passengers or we feel difficult to share details about us with strangers? All said and done I truly see we are self absorbed, aloof, unfriendly and we’ve lost our skills of community living, give and take, share and live.

Is Indian culture devoid of hygiene? Be it inside the train or outside it feels the same. Water less smelly soiled toilets, unhygienic canteens, dirty passageways, dark and dingy compartments scampering mosquitoes and roaches, overflowing garbage cans, and cramped sleeping arrangements all makes it feel like a slum. Isn’t it the responsibility of Railways to help passengers stay clean and tidy? Indian Railways is pampering passengers with technology like TV sets, wi-fi and mobile charging stations in trains, but they seem to have forgotten the fundamentals – hygiene, comfort and safety.

All said and done, traveling by train is popular and only affordable mode of travel for majority of Indians, but it is a nightmare. Be it first class, ordinary sleeper class or air-conditioned coach – paying extra doesn’t mean you are safe and comfortable. There is always a child that cries all night, there are always passengers who snore to glory and we are always worried about your baggage. I am always afraid what infections I may contract from a train journey. I am always worried if I will reach my destination without being burnt alive (recall the recent Gautami Express incident?). Will we ever learn to respect our neighbors’ space? Will we ever get to travel in style, comfort, quality and feel secure?