Navarathri - Mami….Sundall….Gossip….

I was not really looking forward for the day not because it was Oct 2, 2008, a public holiday or they had banned smoking in public places, but because my mother had invited her notorious and obnoxious Mami clan home for the annual Navarathri festival. What is it with Navrathi and women? Is gossiping a part of the Navrathra ritual? Does the festival turn women into hungry cockroaches that scamper around the neighborhood for food and gossip? Is there “HIT” or “Baygon Spray” available for the Mamis?

Whether Durga, Lakshmi or Saraswathi came together on this occasion, but Mamis, sundall and gossip always come together for Navrathri. If you came early there was first hand gossip served hot, free and sumptuously. Saas Bahus aka brokers/scalpers always trade hotter stocks than what is traded on Sensex and NIFTY!

Navrathri festivals were not this bad until I turned 25 because I got all the attention and free publicity, and I found a place in the Mamimapia, and their Linkedin without any subscription or prior registration. But now that I am 30+, single and an eligible bachelor, and all is get is lime, and light from the Mami world. Should I call this the webpower of Mamis’, planetary influence or their wrath?

From NY to Mylapore the Mami clan seems to behave the same way. When I used to do my routine weekend temple visits the Mami clan would try to entice me with a friendly smile and at times with free food all just to know my marriage status, my gothram and my parent’s number. Atleast they are a minority in the US but in India I have no option to escape their wrath. Should I placate any planets to escape their wrath?

I was more worried about turning into a hot snack to go with the sundal and panagam than walk the red carpet. Who was going to be the center of attraction was it me or my single status or the dolls that adorned the shelves?

Call it peristalsis or medically whatever, the very thought of their evening rendezvous left a weird churn in my stomach. I was afraid of the gait with which these polyester Padmas’, nylon Nirmalas’, silk Smithas’ and Sungudi Saraswathis’ would parade into the house and on the pre-text of watching the golu and start their “arattai kutchery” and before I know my single status will be discussed publicly like the financial market meltdown. Do I have a bailout plan?

Dad was equally pissed off with mom for having this gathering on a holiday. Are these Mamis’ so bad towards single men and married men? Atleast I had a reason to avoid them, but what reason did the 60 year old man have? May be he was too tired seeing them all his life?

There was a lot of commotion in the house from dawn that day. Servants arrived before time and were working hard to make the house look spiffy, while mom was busy soaking peas and grating coconut for the evening high protein snack to go with the chit chat. Was it another “Bhama Vijayam” happening in real life?

Do they have interesting conversations that I can eavesdrop on? Hello no! It doesn’t go beyond MEGA serials, matrimonial discords, in-laws autopsies, bad mouthing barren couples, impending divorces, neighborhood elopement, US sons, complains about daughters-in-laws, and finally garnishing their tittle-tattle with abundant materialism - diwali purchases, gold, and diamond. Their Iris is extremely powerful and scan the house and other women in a few seconds to spit a report in minutes. Should we bequeath Mamis’ with “Material Girls” title? Do Mamis pollute or pollinate?

Apart from proverbial matching making some of these Mamis are IT savvy and they instantly morph into HR agency and start pushing in resumes of their kith and kin. May it is time that IT companies must start using them as their brand ambassadors? A thought to ponder….

I thought this Oct 2 mishap was an endemic and confined to Alwarpet, but a call from my friend in Adyar confirmed that it was found in Adyar as well. He complained of a similar herd from the same biological family, clad in Kancheepuram, Kolar and Jasmine trespassing into their neighborhood that evening. Should I call them high nuisance individuals (HNI)?

I could sense the feeling of helplessness in his voice. He needed a bail out plan as well. Before I could offer him a solution, I heard my mother convincing my Dad that men should leave the house for couple of hours until the vixens left for the evening. For once dad and I joined hands to strategize a fight against these women roaches clad in silk bearing an armor of gold and diamond.

We timid men were on the prowl for a refugee camp or an underground bunker for the evening. If it was a working day then overtime at office would be the easiest way to wait out such a maelstrom, but being a holiday it was difficult to find a getaway spot. I offered a simple solution and a practical solution to my dad. I told him he could stay home and entertain other men who chauffeured their women for such gossip parties. Misery loves company, definitely it does. But he showed no interest for this suggestion. I also tried the Mami morphing technique that Kamal does in the movie Avvai Shanmughi. All my suggestions went invain.

The first refugee camp that came to our mind to wait out the Mamis storm was Besant Nagar beach and my friend seem to be okay with the idea. Though the crowd would be juvenile crowd at this time of the day, but it was better than being marooned by Mamis. I pitied those clay dolls for once and when I saw scores of men of all age groups on the shore line, I realized it was an epidemic and not an endemic occurrence.

When I got back home that night the house was reeking with gossip. My mother was busy scoring off the attendees’ names on her invitee list and making plans to visit their homes. My father had no expression on his face, may be it is better to be a doll or a women? I lowered my hand into the sundall vessel scrounging for left over sundall and picking my mother’s brain from left over gossip. Both were dry and empty.

Next year Navrathri will be different, I will try hanging a statutory warning outside the neighborhood that reads “Beware of Mamis”. Or even approach Dr. Anbumani Ramadoss for a permanent solution for Mami problem?