Cynosure of All Eyes

The same question has been asked by various people across different age groups, genders, nationalities and in a variety of different tones ranging from that of concern and curiosity to validate their judgments and hunches. The last time I was asked this question outside the country was at the point of entry into the US by an immigration officer and again recently by my classmates who I had met after a gap of 20 years.

I always change my response based on their tone. I either duck the question or provide a canned, humorous or tangential response.  To the immigration officer in the US, I asked him if he was interested in me and to my classmate I told him that I couldn't find a single woman who was interested in me. Not sure if he found my answer humorous or ridiculous, but it put an end to the topic of marriage.

Most of them gave me a sympathetic look and left me under a pile of unsolicited advice, while some tried their conversion tactics including painting a gray scene of my lonely old age. Tired of such threats, advises, scrutiny and judgments, I began questioning their decision to get married, have kids and even went to the extent of asking them if they possessed the skills to play the role of a partner and a parent. Most answers were honest and they wanted to abide by the script laid out by the society.

Resist and Initiate Change

I recently shared my bitter experiences and the stupid logic offered by married folks to a colleague who is an expert in design thinking. He shared with me a paper titled “Changing the Status Quo written by H. William Dettmer” and used the evaporating cloud model proposed by Efrat to explain the psychology of happiness, security, satisfaction, adoption and more importantly why we resist/initiate change to explain why some stay single and many go with marriage.

He began to enlighten me by stating objective of life in a single sentence: to multiply or maintain our state of happiness.  As explained by the evaporating cloud concept by Goldratt in his paper, Dettmer says that happiness can be attained either through the satisfaction route or the security route. And this probably explains why some of us resist change and some of us initiate change. When I mapped the reasons given by most of my married friends, I could easily fit them into one of these categories and probably could explain why some continue to enjoy it or why some wiggled out of it without posing them with embarrassing questions.

The ominous bell curve

The ominous bell curve is used from birth to death to explain every aspect of our personal and professional life. I extrapolated Dettmer bell-curve to explain the adoption by various categories of people in society and how various marketing programs are put together to address those in the middle (early majority and late majority) of the curve. Though he didn’t point out my spot on the extreme, but I knew my place.

A symbiotic 3-way relationship

As a marketing professional, I paused for a couple of minutes to mentally list down various marketing programs that  I’ve launched to pitch and promote a product, service or a platform and also conversion program to attract those in the late majority and laggard categories. Amongst so many other things in life the institution of religion and marriage seem to have so much in common and propagate each other for their survival and hold a symbiotic relationship. Both of them seed an illusion in the minds of people and try to convert those in late majority and influence laggards. Yes, misery loves company. 

Mythology also offers you some good examples of conversions, for example Viswamitra who was focused on penance was converted by Menaka and she ended up marrying him and disturbed him from achieving his objective. There have been numerous occasions where I was courted by women colleagues and coerced by my male friends to get married; unlike Viswamitra, I remain steadfast, say like Bheeshma.

And today most governments support marriage and reproduction either directly or indirectly. Most state governments in India offer free gold mangalsutra to women and some political parties even sponsor mass marriages. Despite family courts overflowing with divorce cases and custody battles, marriages and irresponsible reproduction are on the increase. 

While Governments turn into parasite living off single people, religious institutions seek funds and patronage to hold their festivities to retain, reinforce, attract and convert people to their faith. Sometimes out of desperation, Governments, Religious institutions and those in wedlock loot exploit and loot each other to protect their interest, relevance and existence.

Conservative to Risk-averse: A gradual progression

William Dettmer in his research papers conveys that both early and late majority categories often borrow experiences from early adopters and laggards. And that also explains why some get converted and some remain committed to single-hood. Unfortunately, the world perceive single hood as an anomaly and often judge single people ruthlessly.

As I was getting ready to label myself as a complete risk-averse individual it struck me that I don’t always belong to this category. I got my first iPhone 7 years ago and then got a drone to engage in ariel photography two years ago when debates were still on to permit flying of drones.  May be my economic status and no barriers to exit explains my early adoption behavior with regards to technology?

When I look back at my life, I realize that I didn't start in the extreme right, but slowly moved from late majority to laggard category. The move happened as a result of learning that I borrowed from others and watching the world that goes by the popular script. I've also heard and seen early adopters and conservative risk-takers confess their mistake of saying “I do”. Sadly, the cost of exit is high when it comes to marriage and kids.

While married folks have reasons to celebrate their life, lifestyle and milestones, laggards (read as single) like me have none, but that doesn't mean we should become the cynosure of all eyes by attending such events. Over the years, I've made a conscious decision to boycott such events and stay away from all those who preach, profess and propagate marriage. 

Religion, Government and Marriage hasn't done much good to the society and despite the grim situation many us of are married or aspire to get married with a hope of conquering happiness. You can do more good to society by staying away from these evils. 

Be wise, stay single and happy!