Summer of 2016

After a copious monsoon in 2015, I was prepared for a hot and humid summer, but certainly wasn’t ready to handle reunions that bring back warm memories and people from the past. Surprisingly, summer of 2016 turned out to be mild on the weather front, but very warm and sticky on the people front. 

 

A few weeks ago I connected with my college mates after a gap of twenty years and last weekend I met up with many of my first cousins after a long gap. I also ran into some relatives after a gap of 22 years. Do such reunions live beyond the initial euphoria and brouhaha? 

 

Pragmatist or Pessimist?

As much as I like to make memories and meet and connect with people, I also like review them from time to time. I don’t get into the mode of exchanging numbers or connecting with them on social media platforms. Summers of my life has taught me to explore sustainability of both new connections and renewing old connections than fantasizing a great friendship ahead or getting too high on nostalgia. Does that make me a pragmatist or a pessimist?

 

Despite taking a vow not to attend anymore weddings, I made an exception last weekend to attend the marriage of my last and youngest first cousin on my father's side. My absence from the wedding scene neither changed the atmosphere nor made me grow any fond of it.

 

Weddings and Political rallies

Weddings are also reunions of another kind. It brings family members and cousins who drifted apart for personal and professional reasons. Unlike weddings of yesteryears, weddings today resemble political rallies. Like politicians who visit your home before election seeking your vote, relatives come home seeking your participation. They often lure you with gifts to get you to attend their event and some even offer you transport and accommodation. And once you accept their bribes you are forced to show up to enjoy unlimited food, gossip, advice and entertainment. Not sure if you realize that by participating in the gossip they also end up offering their lives to be analyzed, assayed, and adjudged. As soon as the wedding is over, you are forgotten.

 

As much I stay away from political inclined individuals and rallies, I also stay away from marriages, evangelists who sell marriages and gossip mongers who pollute human minds with their contorted views of the world and individuals. 

 

Turning to Humor 

I turned cold feet and didn’t know what to expect as I hadn’t attended weddings in the last 4 years. But the recent mini-reunions with college mates in various cities help me get prepared. I rehearsed my lines and witty responses for people who walk up to me to give me their unsolicited opinions on my single hood and advices on how to lead my life.

 

For example, one of them was curious to know why I sported a bald look and I responded by saying that this was the easiest way to shine in life. My responses got funnier as questions got too personal.

 

What surprised me the most was when my immediate family made a decision on what I must wear for the wedding reception and someone who I met after 20 years at the wedding gave me unsolicited advice on personal grooming. Do I really look like someone who needs help or advice on what to wear and how to look? I never questioned anyone’s choice to stay single or married nor did I have an opinion on what they must wear or where they must go for their next vacation. Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one, but I keep mine clean and open it only when needed. 

Not Singled Out

If it thought I was being singled out at these reunions, you are mistaken. Married couple without kids were being taunted for not reproducing and divorced or widowed couples cringed and sat in a corner being afraid of attracting the attention of wagging tongues and loose cannons. 

Incredibly Indian

As much as Indian weddings are known for color, grandeur, fanfare and food, it is also a fertile petri dish for culturing gossip and conducting character (assass)inations. This society willfully approves violation of personal boundaries and individual privacy and choices. Should we be shocked at their behavior or should we accept this as a way of life and distinction of our Indianness?

I failed to understand why we Indians feel compelled to offer their uncalled-for opinions or find a need to concur with my views of life. As a society, why do we feel it is our moral responsibility and birth right to offer roadmaps for others lives and decide their negotiables and non-negotiables?

 

The Summer of 2016 made me realize that happiness in reunions be it with classmates or cousins evaporates very quickly turning the venue into court rooms that deliver judgments, tailor rooms that measures without tolerance and an altar that dispenses unsolicited advice.

Reunion - A trip to horror land

In a passing conversation my friend mentioned about meeting his classmates from school over the weekend and I felt weird and estranged. Another friend of mine fished for his classmates from college on popular networking sites such as Facebook and Orkut. And finally the last guy talked about running into his classmates from Medical school at Delhi Airport. Earlier in the week an email was followed by a phone call from my University in US. They wanted my help in getting together alumnus of URI for a for a reunion party in Mumbai in November 09. My facial expression was contorted upon hearing the planned and unplanned reunions both from friends and from my college. To me anything from the past is a landmine.

Why would many go to reunions? Why would some search for their classmates online? Why would someone even talk when they run into their classmates? I have no positive answers to the above questions and but I have my logic to stay away from high school horror stories.

My school days were traumatic – growing up with a weird feeling inside. I was a target of bully, and often an object of ridicule. Was it because I was smart and caught in their vortex of jealousy? Or was it because I was dumb caught in their trap of derision? You should ask those wicked souls.

I am still trying to understand my tormenting school days – it is really puzzling. The happiest period in a child’s life turned nightmare and I always wanted to grow up asap and get out of this prison called “school”. No fond memories…whatsoever!
I hoped for a fresh lease of life as I opened a new chapter in my book of life. I didn’t want to meet anyone from my school. But the emotional scars from childhood turned me into a bookworm and killed the spirit and joy of college life. I spent 4 years in the company of books, music and a friend. I remember my heat transfer and mass transfer equations more than spirited parties and college tamasha.

Are reunions supposed to be happy, nostalgic and cozy?

When I first joined Facebook earlier this year, the site ran algorithms from my personal data that I shared and pulled up the list of alumni from both my school and college. The novelty of Facebook made me connect with a few, but then I realized that we had nothing in common but the distant past which I am still working to come to terms with. Most of them were in cushy jobs, excelled in their profession and personal life was no short of success, they were married with kids, driving expensive cars, and I had nothing in common with them.

All the lost years didn’t take us anywhere. After a few conversations we were still strangers and we couldn’t relate then and now. I finally ditched the idea of befriending strangers from my school and college. I deleted them from my list without a second thought and sympathy. Even virtual reunions failed! May be we were better off being disconnected.

When I walked into my new job this year I remembered I had a classmate from school working for the same company. We were bench mates and we got yelled at by our Math and Chemistry teachers. I wanted to share my specs of nostalgia over a cup of coffee with him and feel proud how far we’ve travelled in life. I was in a double mind if I should get in touch with him and talk about our illustrious past, but finally I gave in. I expected him to be the same bench mate, but this time in my life. We had one great conversation, and then he invited me to his house for his second kid’s birthday. I knew I would feel out of place, I never had any baby anecdotes to share and I would be looked upon like an alien. After the first meeting, I never get a call back from him. I tried reaching him a few times, and I am waiting to hear from him.

I realized over the years we’ve all grown apart and there is nothing in common to discuss even after so many years separation. Our lifestyles were different, our hobbies were as far apart as desert and mountain, they were all caught up in changing diapers, chauffeuring in-laws, and scheduling immunization shots for their babies. I can understand the responsibilities and vagaries of married life, but neither can I complain, sympathize nor participate. I felt we were opposite vertices of a triangle.

The reunion thingy has never worked for me. “Friends reunited” is sadly an oxymoron. Some of them wanted to scratch me and assay below the surface. Some want to autopsy my life, rate my success and happiness, but I could not let anyone do that to me. I’m not the kind who would assess their happiness, success and compare to make myself feel better. More often I was sad after these reunion meetings.

There is no common denominator to crib and laugh, but more reasons to feel sad, old and incoherent. What is the use of such reunions when two people feel disconnected and discordant?

Are we looking to validate our unlived life at reunions? Do you want our friends to appreciate and recognize our lives, achievements and our lifestyle? Reunions seem to work for people who’ve done extremely well for themselves and for them it is flaunting their success, wealth, but for the ones who’ve not made it to top, reunions are sore spot and report cards that show their failed life.

I have the power to see, sift and choose my friends. And today I feel it is much easier to make new friends than searching for ones lost in the past. It is easier to find someone who will fit your soul, life and the present you.

Is it just me or are there many out there who feel the same?