TWC: Filled upto my gills

It is Tuesday and I know you must be anticipating my next blog update. I will not disappoint you. Well almighty doesn’t seem to have any scheduling issues delivering my karma week after week and I don’t seem to find a better and cheaper way of therapy! So are you ready for this week?

I know I am not swimming on Dead Sea to expect to stay afloat all life, but sadly every time I come up to the surface to fill my lungs I get pushed down mercilessly. Not sure if it is gravity of the situation or density of the ocean, but to survive I have to evolve and I need to have gills. And this phase of life is all about evolving and developing gills.

Breaking news (definitely not the kind that you see scrolling at the bottom of your TV screens) about my heart condition to mom wasn’t that difficult. Though mother’s can be reactive, emotional, but they reconcile and cool down fast. Mothers remind me of dark colors that absorb heat quickly and at the same time cool fast. Fathers are like light colors, they react slowly, take time to warm up and take time to cool down.

For six weeks until I got all the tests done, results verified, doctors consulted, surgeons and hospitals narrowed down for my surgery I kept things under wrap and out of my father’s ear. I would call home to share updates with mom and brother, and we would refrain from discussing if my father was around. I was cautious from sharing the news to the outside world and didn’t want any Wikileaks finding its way home. It was collusion and stealth between the mother and sons.

That Saturday night, dinner was over peace seemed to be all pervasive in our mind, stomach and in the house. Dad was peeling and popping his medicines one by one and that is when I interrupted and with a silly smile on my face. I was not scared or ashamed and this was as simple as bringing out my report card and putting it under his nose and asking him to sign. We belong to a family were we have issues with both Math and matters of the heart. So I thought he would not fuss or fume.

And finally when I broke the news to my dad, he was speechless and his face turned pale and his head dropped down in disappointment. He knew I had no issues with either Math or matters of the heart and sudden disclosure was pushing him into denial. Barrage of questions followed on the discovery, diagnosis, treatment and next steps. His complaint was that why wasn’t I part of this discovery? And he hauled us over the coals for holding the news back.

I had no intentions of keeping him out of the discovery, but I wasn’t sure how he would react given his heart conditions and complications. Ever since he turned 56, we’ve had our yearly summer vacation in the hospital. And this summer seemed no different for the family. It was not an easy revelation to be digested and I expected him to go through the cycle of denial and acceptance. I gave him a copy of the reports incase he decides to consult another cardiac specialist.

The moment news reached to the extended family they had their own way of reacting, researching and interpreting the congenital defect. Sadly among Hindu families’ people find peace blaming karma for all ailments, congenital issues, etc. rather than understanding the science and biology behind flesh and bones and that we are all breakable, mend able and mortals. Their interpretations were freely floating in the market like pirated CDs. Their unasked sympathy and stupid logic didn’t mean anything to me.

To deal with people at work was a little different. They understood congenital defect as it and were kind enough not overlap other frames to make their judgments. I briefed my boss on my health condition and explained the need for time-off. The next day from people across our offices in India pinged me expressing their grief and sympathy. I felt like I was on the obituary column. I became food for the idle tongues and hungry mouths.

I didn’t worry what people spoke/discussed and I spent the next weeks trying to prepare for the surgery. As a first step I put together transition plan to hand over responsibilities at work, and on the personal front I was counting every penny in the bank account and trying to simulate my total savings account balance on the day of my surgery. Since the surgery was planned in Bangalore I had to make logistics arrangements for my family to come stay near the hospital. Doesn’t this sound like a vacation plan? As a family we’ve done a lot of medical tourism both within the country and outside the country. Dad went for his by-pass to US in early 80s, in 2005 he was admitted in Thanjavur hospital when suffered an arrhythmia and in 2009 he went to Hyderabad to undergo RF ablation to remove scars inside his heart.

The most difficult part was to put together a transition plan. I felt more difficult to put together the plan than my will. I loved my job so much and I was not ready to part with it. But then transition is the only way forward if I had to take time off from work.

I was in Mumbai last week to begin my transition and set the stage for my absence and surgery. When I booked my tickets last week I thought I would work the whole week from Mumbai office and hang out with my friends than head back immediately after transition. One week in Mumbai sounded like a usual annual vacation week. And to be with friends before I go on with my surgery felt assuaging. Thought it will be a regular work week, change of work place and scene made it feel like a vacation. Interestingly there is also a film festival that is opening that week and I thought I will catch a few of them while in Mumbai.

Everything seemed right and okay when I landed in Mumbai on Monday morning. There were no surprises with the hotel room, cab or at work. Seldom did I realize that this was the calm before the storm. Tuesday morning I received a call from home. It was my mother at the other end and she was in tears. I have received 3 such calls in the past decade and they were only serious. She would call me only if she couldn’t handle the situation. Mom had just gone for a routine health check-up the earlier week and the results were due today. I was not sure if they found anything in her health examination.

Now I was transitioning her tears, anxieties and worries. With four year old grandson on a vacation in Chennai, my mother’s hands were full and she sounded helpless. Interestingly this grandson was always around during my dad’s earlier hospitalization episodes. May be he brought dad back home? If you ask him about his grandparents his standard reply would be, “they’ve gone to the hospital to see the doctor”. Even to this toddler hospital sounded like an exotic vacation spot or an expensive cruise!

Till almighty is around and I am alive there will be posts on this blog. For now I am filled up to my gills, come back next weekfor more.

PS: Life gives a little reason to smile now and then, check out http://dipasub.blogspot.com/2011/05/lasting-impression.html